Thursday, 8 March 2018

Are you there?

It has been raining outside. I've been working more than 14 hours everyday for the past week. I come back home to myself. Some days, there's no dinner. I can afford an expensive meal, but it's difficult to eat alone.

I dread weekends, they're lonelier than weekdays. This is a new city for me. I don't know many people. I've tried stepping out, falling back to the books happens most often.

At work, it's new. I'm learning how to work. This is my first job. I wish they had told me what works with whom. I'm still finding my place in the space. Most often, days are spent alone in front of a computer with two conversations. Hi, can you please do that? Thank you.

Tonight is probably the most difficult night. Lying alone on a big bed, in a beautiful room with everything I always wished for. Everyday I am getting closer to my dreams. I see me stepping ahead. But I don't have many friends left. Some left, they changed when my circumstances changed. Some stayed, but we fell apart into different worlds. I used to tell myself to remember how to make friends when i was 7. I would tell me to say Hi, ask them how they were? What they liked? And suddenly we had so much to talk about. At 23.25 when I was leaving work today waiting for my cab, I said Hi. We talked about things we didn't like, including working late and not having a life. Meanwhile, we were on our phones, in our own worlds, miles apart.

My boyfriend lives far away, we always know what's going on in our lives. Sometimes I feel we have been more closer through our phones, than in person.

As this sleepless night keeps me away, I think about thoughts I had this morning. I took an auto-rickshaw to get to the train station. The road was flooded with men and women driving for work. In the corner of the lane, I saw two women standing with plates in their hands. One had some things she must have offered in the temple. It looked like those flat breads of sugar my mother used to make. Every Sunday morning was about her temple visit and the smell of those breads being cooked in butter. More than those breads on the plate, that lady's arms reminded me of my mother's arms. It's strange what rainy nights can do to us.

Friday, 23 February 2018

big little lost girl.

What's it about patterns that keep us hooked to them?

The older she got, she saw everyone was looking for their patterns. Xaro was 45, woke up early and went for a walk. On his way back, he fetched packets of milk and bread on alternative days. Sundays were about giving a bath to the animals. Weekdays were about beginning to work at 10.30 AM and collapsing on the bed, till he fell asleep. His wife woke up at 4.30 AM everyday, did the exact same things in the same routine. The days when she had to step away from the routines, she could almost scream and cry.

Why was everyone looking for their patterns? Are we all scared of uncertainty? Are the patterns connected to our dreams in someway?

She always had more questions, than answers. After all, the quest is never-ending.

I have a dream, a song to sing
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see.

Months spent away from this place (where my heart stays) made me realize that home is where the heart is. Doesn't matter how much sense I make, I keep coming back and letting things out. It feels great to let it all out again. If anyone ever is reading this, I hope all is well with you. 

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Stepping back into reality.

Only after we've seen without, can we realize what holds within.
Only after we've realized what is outside, can the inside exist.
Two strands of reality, separated by none but insight.
Sometimes, the truth exists within, sometimes without.

Quietly tracing the old steps back, she stepped back into the reality.
It was difficult to hold on to the insight the last time.
Remembering her old path, she kept treading ahead,
Hoping that the guiding light will take her to dreams.

The beauty of the dreams remained, she had seem them before.
Not that they were new to her,
She was going to find a new self of her in them.
She isn't, wasn't and will not be dreaming, they're going to slowly take her where she belongs.

With the flame of faith and righteousness,
She kept walking, looking for that self of hers she imagined.
A mark of 10 years ahead in time, is what she kept tracing.
She was going to chase the best version of herself, today, tomorrow and in the years to come.

The best version will keep moving too,
in lines with her choices from the day.
The good thing is her eyes will keep looking out for it,
and remembering that one day, we'll get there.

There's beauty in not being alone,
Like someone out there is always looking out for you.
Making sure that you do the right thing today and tomorrow,
And when you fear, to remind you who you are. Fearless.

Stronger than yesterday, becoming everyday.
She kept herself aligned with her heart.
After all, her dreams is where it lead her,
completing her story, in parts.

Maybe, everyone can live beyond what they're capable of.
-Markus Zusak, I am the messenger
Picture Credits: Barbara W. 

Saturday, 30 September 2017

the voices inside my head.

As I fall, and yet fall again, something inside me starts talking.

At the point of complete breakdown, the left said- you're falling, you must be miserable. you don't have the basics, that roof above the head came literally falling down. That job you dreamt about, gave up on you. Those finances you used to have, soon you'll see the crunch.

Just as tears started to well up, the right said- but wait. This is a test of patience. You've had the best all along, maybe this is to make you see that it's yin and yang. and if this is a yang, then a yin must follow. The basics you had were less than what you deserved, more is on the way. That job wasn't the best that could've happened to you, better is on the way. You've always been good with finances, hence your savings are here for you today. Tomorrow, we'll save again and earn much more again. After all, you're changing gears.

After all, you're incredibly strong. There's so much more you've thought about. Its all on the way. Like Einstien said- 'you cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew'. 

The new awaits.
Tomorrow will be a new day.
Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of.
-Markus Zusak, I am the messenger
Photo Credits- Ibrahim Zauq

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Chapter 3- are we on the way?

Today, are we on the way?
Towards our dreams and destiny.
Towards sunrises of hope and glee.
Towards days that seem at peace.
Are we on the way?

Did we, get it right?
Could I forgive myself, for the days left behind.
For the moments spent toiling, when they could be worth the while.
Did everything in the past, add up to what we wished for?

Standing here today,
seems like today was on the way.
Everything in today, is filled with hopes from yesterday.
Maybe, someone out there was listening to the thoughts we had inside.
Maybe, the world is brewing tomorrow, with hopes from today.

Thank you for today, and everyday.
Picture Credits: Maja Topcagic

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Chapter 2- Renaissance

The time lapsed between falling and getting back up is sometimes longer than my contemplation of it. Sometimes, its a bit more difficult than it seemed.

Closed her eyes and went for it. No thinking.

Who are you?
Nobody these days.

Saturday, 27 May 2017

What am I looking for?

Drenched in pain, she kept walking in the rain. 
Some days it felt like everything was under control. 
Like every moment had its reason. 
This time she realized that she was falling back into the same trap, yet again. 

Then she heard a voice saying, 
dissociate yourself from who's pulling you down. 
There are two versions of you, 
one is born out of love, and the other out of fear. 

Who is this version? 
If it's making you less comfortable than who you used to be, 
then this version needs to looked at from,
this one needs help, don't surrender to its fears, show it the way. 

Show it the fact that you're not only this version, 
show it the dreamer who also lives within and seeks the truth
show it how the world has helped the other version realise its potential,
show it that even when no one is, someone is listening. 

Don't close your eyes to fears, 
open your eyes to fearlessness. 
its easier than it seems to be, 
maybe, the opposite of fear is love. 

Somedays, I used to feel empowered at the end of sentences.
This is one of those sentences.

Sunday, 26 March 2017

One last time.

One last time, find the courage
to fight it all out.
This time you're not alone.
this time the voices won't echo in the silence.

One last time, don't let what's inside
take you down.
If you're holding on tight,
you won't fall.

One last time, hear the softer echo
and not the loud noises.
It's here to take you home,
there won't be a need to run anymore.

One last time, don't give up
you're stronger than those voices
you can pick yourself up,
and not your pieces.

I think, my life could be easy.
If only, the biggest enemy wasn't living inside me. 

Friday, 17 March 2017

Let it go.

Let it go.

Take yourself out of that closet and press the reset button.

Take your fears, put them in a box and send it to nowhereland.

Bid goodbyes to things and people who don't feel right anymore.

Work it out, that dream plan you've been holding in your diary.

Give the time and energy to the one person who needs it the most.

Replan, rethink and restructure those trips, this time to the places you want to go to.

take it all out, all the anger and hatred holding you back in art that defines you.

Find out all that you desire, become the person who deserves it all.

Stop chasing who you are, and become who you could be.

You could be whoever you wanted to be, trust me.

“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared.
Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared,
and you do the right thing anyway.”
-Neil Gaiman, Coraline 

Monday, 20 February 2017

When I found you.

When I found you,
I realized that,
all this time
I was looking for you.

Like everything
was meant to fall apart,
so that one day,
everything could seem perfect.

It seems like
dreams could lead us to someplace.
I finally feel
what its like to be at home.

Someone once said,
house is a place
and home
is a feeling.

I think we all need
we can call home.
You're home to me.

Feels like I'm
living a beautiful dream,
and finally I have
everything that I ever needed.

"Maybe a soulmate is someone who understands the very deepest parts of you without you having to explain."