Saturday, 23 June 2012

If Only.

If only.
It were just you and me.
At a candle light.
Just the little silence,
With you staring at my eye,
While my eye lied to myself and hid itself within the brows,
The little smirf smile on your cornered lip,
Like you hid something within them,
And when they rose,
They’d glance at the eyes of yours,
And find in them the completeness,
With the courtier of your laughter
Within which I could find my years to pass by,
With the lousy homemaker’s bakery,
And that glossy makeups for date nights,
With alternate shifts of picking up the kids,
Yogurt nights, payjama parties,
With you snoring right beside me,
Sometimes cuddling you up,
Sometimes cuddled within you,
With your nose rightly touching mine,
Finding your teary tissues in the wash space
And kissing you like for forever,
Taking each of your problem away,
And when I think of dying,
Lying right beside you,
With you hiding away that pain
Being immortally bound to you,
And never leaving you behind,
Every little dream within your smile,
I wish it could someday come true.
Coz all I ever did was loved you,
Even after you were gone.
Too far to wonder about.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Leaving things behind.

Everything changes. Situations. People. Ways of reacting. Just Everything.
Sometimes, it's acceptable. Sometimes, it's not. When we have expectations attached to circumstances, it gets worse. 'cause, the otherwise is not really acceptable. Sometimes we overdo the same thing, to work things out the way we expected, but when the don't stand upto it, the stand point collapses.
That's how it happens everytime. Trust is not important, what matters is what is in the head.
Everything is fragile. So  it falls apart.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

And it rained again.

Everytime it rains, it's kind of like a moment of truth for me, those past memories which got buried long ago come up.
Everytime it would rain, my grampa and I would play those chessy games, muma would make those delicious pakoras and pa would joke around, we'd all sing together or go for a ride together to check out how the city looks without light.
It is a wonder how fast time flies away. after i lost my grampa in 2006, everything started getting itself a duller look. The glue that held our entire family together was no more. It's so hard to bring things back to normal after all this.
He was the best man in the world. He taught me to walk in the rain and have fun dancing outside when other sat back at home. He waited everytime standing on the door, whenever I got a minute later than I should.
He is the only person who taught me that it was fine if you ate the food with your left hand, while others kept trying to change the hand I used.
His umbrella was my favourite, 'cause it was pretty big. It held me and him in it together.
Grampa would always make li'l jokes about things that happened, and everytime I'd say 'should I tell you one thing?' he'd always say 'make it two.'
His loud laughter still echos in my mind, like the best sound ever. Every time it feels like it would rain again, the swing downstairs reminds me of him and me swinging along singing old songs.
Every family needs my grampa, people like him decorate the world within their own colors.
He was a writer too, moments before he made his last diary entry, he was with me, checking upstairs, if I were doing fine. Muma n Pa were in B town, cause of muma's cancer treatment, and despite all my resistance as a teenager, this old man climbed upstairs, despite having recommended not to use the stairway, to see if I wasn't getting hurt by my newly discovered passion for cooking. All I did was slam a door, scream that We were fine and totally ignore him.
Few moments later he made his diary entry, writing how blessed he was, to have me around, and how much I mattered despite everything.. and then after he went to sleep, there was no coming back.. he had a heart attack, it gave him 14 more days of coma and on 14th Feb'2006 he passed away.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

The Buried Past.

Two years ago.
Probably the beginning of the rainy season like today.
He drove from in-front of my house, while i noticed him from the other part of the road. He saw that I was surrounded by my relatives, so he just smiled at me and gave a little nod.
I was too in terror of the relatives, so I just gave an amazed and confused look. The next moment I saw the text on my fone saying -Don't worry just come to the 2nd lane when you're free, I'll be waiting in there. Love S.'
He is my entire world to me. Everything.
I started talking and the first thing for me was him. 'Shee' was what I used to call him. Nurserys are a faded memory but for his loud laughter. He and me were all that was I knew.
I grew up with his voices, every part of me has a lot of him connected to me.
We learned bicycling together. I'd always sit at his back, and he'd never make me fall.
He got his first gifts for me, so did I. We would sit on the terrace of my house, and gaze at the sun. His sister was my sister too.
He was everything to me. My best friend.
When they shifted their home, he'd still come by everyday, 'cause I couldn't ever resist him.
His first bike, I was the one he took, despite not knowing how to handle two on a bike. We nearly fell. All my childhood pictures have him beside me.
While they went upstairs, I sidelined myself and went to the 2nd lane.
Climbing to the side seat of the car, I asked-how long has it been? he just said that he was angry at me.
We had left for the K town together, for the higher studies. He went to another institution though, we were meant to be together.
However, due to some family problems, he came back, and i was still there.
It had been 6 months apart, and due to the overload of the book work, i hardly contacted him.
this time when i got back for a friend's reason, I didn't tell him; cause I had started thinking that probably he's busy in his own world.
He was still giving me that ignore expression while i wondered where he was taking me.
'I'm sorry. I had to come this time, 'cause G's brother is getting married.'
His hand moved to the dashboard and he took out the a chocolate packet. They were the Kikats, ever since I was born, they were my favourite and everytime I was with him, he had to get me some.
I ignored everything around and grabbed them, and started eating them.
'So, you don't have to even tell me when you're around?' he stopped the car at around a coffee shop and started looking into my eyes. " I said I was sorry for like a 100 times already S. I'm so sorry, I thought you had your coachings too, so you'd be too busy".
'OK Fine. you don't have to tell me ever, keep thinking whatever you feel like.' "no, S. You know, I'm really sorry, I swear I'd not do this ever again'.
He leaned in and hugged me, I gave him a kiss on his right cheek and then we left  for the coffee.

"This is the 22nd time" he smiled and asked when was I getting back. I said he knew the answer already.
 Everytime he said he wanted to be my boyfriend, I'd tell him that these years were for concentrating in the academics, 'cause we needed better futures. He kept insisting and here we were when he asked it again for the 22nd time.
I said 'Has there been any one other than him that I wanted to be with? ', just that commitment for a bit more than what I needed back then.
He took a sip in his coffee and looking to the other side said, "I want to marry you someday".
I choked the sip and he grabbed a glass of water to my comfort, and said 'I think it was too much to ask for'.
I then had my round of justifications, where through the ride back to my place, I gave every possible reason to not be in a relationship at that moment.
He just kept saying that it was OK. I knew the look didn't suffice, so  I kept adding to it.
While he stopped the car, I said I was sorry, and that I love him. He said 'the next time, when you mean it, let me know'.
He really loved me, and for all the weird reasons, I couldn't love him back.
I didn't want to 'not' love him, so I got so many good friends of mine to try falling for him. He was 6. They did, but he couldn't love them back.
While I drove the other day alone, I realised that everytime I had ever driven my two wheeler, I was with him. He was sitting behind me, or riding alongside.  He's the one who taught me how to ride it.
I loved him. But not the way he did, all this while, I was waiting for the strong feeling of love towards him to drive me into him.

3 months after that.
Ever since I left, he called each evening to know if I was fine, but after a few days, he stopped saying the last line he used to, that he loved me.
For a few days, I was too hasty and then I asked if he was seeing someone?
He said he wanted to.
Within a few days, I got my tickets to my hometown done and without telling him.AGAIN. I left to back him. It was december.
After I landed, the first thing i did was going straight to his home. He was cleaning his shelf. I grabbed a few clothes of him and started folding them.
"you're back" was the first thing he said.
"whom is it?" i asked. he got back to grab other clothes, while I kept a few in the other part of the shelf.
Holding my waist kissing my cheek, he said in my ears "You.". I was in tears. this time i loved him back, even more.
Holding him by his neck, I pulled him closer, and kissed his lips. He kissed me back. That was our first kiss.
The three days I spent were entirely with him, going home by the night. As soon as I left, he'd call me and till I was asleep he'd talk to me. During the day, we'd go to places we never knew about, nearby towns.
All the other times we spent at his place, he'd make meals and feed me with his hands.
The next morning I was supposed to leave for the K town again. Had a year left to spend in there. while we got back from the long drive, and we got back to our phone, he said 'If there was one thing I really wanted, would you give it to me?'. 'Anything' was my prompt reply, not knowing if I could really do that or not. "stay" was what he said, I saw a tear trickle down my eye, "as if i don't want to', I said, trying as much as possible to hide the cracking in my voice.
"What about you?" I said, he was like, "what is it that you want?" I said 'tonight, i wanna fall asleep in your arms'. The next moment I saw someone across the locked part of my balcony. I got the keys and trying to make the least sound, I opened it. We sat in the swing while i lay my head across his chest.
It was harder than ever to hold back the tears.He caressed my hair.
I grabbed him tight enough, "I wana be with you always.". "how long is your always sweety?" He laughed his dimples out. 'Stop making fun of me' and till the sun rose we talked about silly things. It was around 5 20, I had  my flight at 9. You know the other day, I decided I'll marry you once you get back, and won't let you go anyday'. with this he kissed me and I kissed away his tears. 'I don't think you've packed, go get some sleep too, I'll be there by 8'. I kissed his cheek again and did that thrice, till i could see his dimples in that laughter.
He kissed my nose and said "go and let me go, We'd end up waking the others"
While I packed and spent those hours, my eyes were wet enough.
I had got him a portrait of all our present pictures together, this was to ensure that he'd remember me, after falling for the 'other girl' I was expecting. I loved him so much, I just wanted him to be happy, with me or without me.
While he drove, he kept holding my hand, other than while changing geyers. the moistness in my eyes didn't fade away till we were almost in there. while he got  to the back of the car to get my bags, I took that picture wrote 'always love you. -S' and kept it in the dashboard.
He waved me a goodbye.

20 Days later.
Getting up everyday to the sound of his voice had become my habit so badly, that nothing else could wake me up.
That day I didn't have any reason to, but I couldn't sleep all night. When his phone call came in the morning saying 'Get up sweeto' I just said that I missed him too much, he was like "howcome you're up?" I told him i couldn't sleep all night.
The rest day went like any other day, texting him all day. He texted in the evening that he was goingto see some relatives in the other part of the town.
I waited till about 8, and he didn't pick up.
it wasn't normal for someone who picked up the phone at the first ring. I called up at his home too, there wasn't any response.
After an hour, I got a call from my mother saying that she had a very bad news to deliver and she said-
"S was no more".
Those lines tore me apart. He was crashed out in a road accident.
For the next few days, I didn't know anything about time.

Today,It's 14th June, 2012, He died on 20th January 2010, it's been 2 years. Feels like everything just got incomplete. He is no more. Nor is the love.
He's dead today. It's not possible to believe it even today.
Every time i look at the other lane, I search for that smile in that white car to drive by.
For the terrace to find him smiling.
For those Kitkats.
For him.
I almost killed myself after he died.
I still love him, just that he's not around to love me back.

Friday, 8 June 2012

At the Parlour.

People do wonder what is it in a Parlour that keeps a girl so close to itself. Well, it was pretty much told in Legally Blonde 2, but then still.. it's the talks. Sometimes, all you need is ears.. ears to tell whatever wrong is happening around, and just while they're doing your nails, they'll pick out the reason in a line and you'll wonder how come it was so easy to arrive at it.
The truth is every thing is pretty simple, just like that. It's just that sometimes figuring them out becomes tough. We can't really point the fingures at anyone in anything, we're all not wrong and wrong at the same time. 'Cause we make li'l mistakes to bring it up to the bigger mess. We might think that we contributed the least, but those least contributions make up the heap.
Silly things yet count so much.
No matter what, a parlour remains a paradise for girls. Not 'cause it offers those services, but because of the Ears.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

From within the Frames.

The world outside is a mere image of the 'real' world, probably Socrates's thought. Today while I drove upto Gym, I wondered about the reality in his thoughts. We were taught the earlier semester that language is one of the non-real mediums we've chosen to interact with the real world. But, what is Real? is it the world the way it looks like? or is it the way we've canvased in saving it within the frames of our glasses?
Too many things to ponder abort.
Every time I drive, I see the world like a long road. We all have different starting points and destinations; yet some of us drive too hastily to leave the others behind. How well is that justified? when the races are different, track definitions are different, will it even matter if one of us is ahead of the other. Sometimes, there are hoards of vehicles culminated like in a cluster, they're competing within each other, again why are we even racing? For a time or so, we might have same destination, but then ultimately the total journey is different.
They all talk about coming First in the classes. I fail to see the point in that.

The Beginner's Soul.

This is not the first time I'm planning to write. Every time, like every other thing, I leave this incomplete too. Why is it so hard to finish what you began? Have had wrong timings at probably everything.
Past left behind, it was my new year's resolution to be better in terms of what I think.
Bitching. This is one thing that has got me behind everything.
I plan to find a way out of it.
Working big times on health issues. Not bad at Academics too. A li'l bit of writing going up too.
Waiting desperately for these fuckin' vacations to end. They screw up my head too bad.
After everything that  has happened, every one I've screwed things up to, I really want a clear and better way up. Letting myself down seems like an everyday thing, giving Justifications that's the worst. I fuckin' do it every day. Screwed up Head.
I really wana do better than this. I can.
At CLAT, I screwed it again. Nevermind, I continue to be where I am.
But these tonnes of 'neverminds' have been the fuckin' reason I can't make it up to myself. Just too much below the level of expectations.

With another Nevermind, I've gota kick start it again.
With other plans (Hoping not to fail like always) to screw up.
With nothing else but a blank brain.
I've gota prepare for UPSCs to come up after the 4 years. Not another thing to screw up.
I've had JEE, EEE blah blah blahs screwed up.
and whereever I made it, I didn't go.
ended up here, once and for all.
One year of my life just got burried in no-where. After someone very close died, I had decided that no matter what I do, I wouldn't end up in here. and here I am, no where but here.
What followed was worse.. These years, 2010, 2011 and 2012 probably brought out the worst in me.
No matter what I did, felt like I was being blamed for it.
My love for cooking stood nowhere.
Regrets apart.
I plan to write it off.. all along.. all my stupid gestures..regrets.. failures.. that's how I fight it off.. I leave it somewhere.. or at rather Dump it.. so here it is... The Shit Space to move on for me.