Wednesday, 13 June 2012

The Buried Past.

Two years ago.
Probably the beginning of the rainy season like today.
He drove from in-front of my house, while i noticed him from the other part of the road. He saw that I was surrounded by my relatives, so he just smiled at me and gave a little nod.
I was too in terror of the relatives, so I just gave an amazed and confused look. The next moment I saw the text on my fone saying -Don't worry just come to the 2nd lane when you're free, I'll be waiting in there. Love S.'
He is my entire world to me. Everything.
I started talking and the first thing for me was him. 'Shee' was what I used to call him. Nurserys are a faded memory but for his loud laughter. He and me were all that was I knew.
I grew up with his voices, every part of me has a lot of him connected to me.
We learned bicycling together. I'd always sit at his back, and he'd never make me fall.
He got his first gifts for me, so did I. We would sit on the terrace of my house, and gaze at the sun. His sister was my sister too.
He was everything to me. My best friend.
When they shifted their home, he'd still come by everyday, 'cause I couldn't ever resist him.
His first bike, I was the one he took, despite not knowing how to handle two on a bike. We nearly fell. All my childhood pictures have him beside me.
While they went upstairs, I sidelined myself and went to the 2nd lane.
Climbing to the side seat of the car, I asked-how long has it been? he just said that he was angry at me.
We had left for the K town together, for the higher studies. He went to another institution though, we were meant to be together.
However, due to some family problems, he came back, and i was still there.
It had been 6 months apart, and due to the overload of the book work, i hardly contacted him.
this time when i got back for a friend's reason, I didn't tell him; cause I had started thinking that probably he's busy in his own world.
He was still giving me that ignore expression while i wondered where he was taking me.
'I'm sorry. I had to come this time, 'cause G's brother is getting married.'
His hand moved to the dashboard and he took out the a chocolate packet. They were the Kikats, ever since I was born, they were my favourite and everytime I was with him, he had to get me some.
I ignored everything around and grabbed them, and started eating them.
'So, you don't have to even tell me when you're around?' he stopped the car at around a coffee shop and started looking into my eyes. " I said I was sorry for like a 100 times already S. I'm so sorry, I thought you had your coachings too, so you'd be too busy".
'OK Fine. you don't have to tell me ever, keep thinking whatever you feel like.' "no, S. You know, I'm really sorry, I swear I'd not do this ever again'.
He leaned in and hugged me, I gave him a kiss on his right cheek and then we left  for the coffee.

"This is the 22nd time" he smiled and asked when was I getting back. I said he knew the answer already.
 Everytime he said he wanted to be my boyfriend, I'd tell him that these years were for concentrating in the academics, 'cause we needed better futures. He kept insisting and here we were when he asked it again for the 22nd time.
I said 'Has there been any one other than him that I wanted to be with? ', just that commitment for a bit more than what I needed back then.
He took a sip in his coffee and looking to the other side said, "I want to marry you someday".
I choked the sip and he grabbed a glass of water to my comfort, and said 'I think it was too much to ask for'.
I then had my round of justifications, where through the ride back to my place, I gave every possible reason to not be in a relationship at that moment.
He just kept saying that it was OK. I knew the look didn't suffice, so  I kept adding to it.
While he stopped the car, I said I was sorry, and that I love him. He said 'the next time, when you mean it, let me know'.
He really loved me, and for all the weird reasons, I couldn't love him back.
I didn't want to 'not' love him, so I got so many good friends of mine to try falling for him. He was 6. They did, but he couldn't love them back.
While I drove the other day alone, I realised that everytime I had ever driven my two wheeler, I was with him. He was sitting behind me, or riding alongside.  He's the one who taught me how to ride it.
I loved him. But not the way he did, all this while, I was waiting for the strong feeling of love towards him to drive me into him.

3 months after that.
Ever since I left, he called each evening to know if I was fine, but after a few days, he stopped saying the last line he used to, that he loved me.
For a few days, I was too hasty and then I asked if he was seeing someone?
He said he wanted to.
Within a few days, I got my tickets to my hometown done and without telling him.AGAIN. I left to back him. It was december.
After I landed, the first thing i did was going straight to his home. He was cleaning his shelf. I grabbed a few clothes of him and started folding them.
"you're back" was the first thing he said.
"whom is it?" i asked. he got back to grab other clothes, while I kept a few in the other part of the shelf.
Holding my waist kissing my cheek, he said in my ears "You.". I was in tears. this time i loved him back, even more.
Holding him by his neck, I pulled him closer, and kissed his lips. He kissed me back. That was our first kiss.
The three days I spent were entirely with him, going home by the night. As soon as I left, he'd call me and till I was asleep he'd talk to me. During the day, we'd go to places we never knew about, nearby towns.
All the other times we spent at his place, he'd make meals and feed me with his hands.
The next morning I was supposed to leave for the K town again. Had a year left to spend in there. while we got back from the long drive, and we got back to our phone, he said 'If there was one thing I really wanted, would you give it to me?'. 'Anything' was my prompt reply, not knowing if I could really do that or not. "stay" was what he said, I saw a tear trickle down my eye, "as if i don't want to', I said, trying as much as possible to hide the cracking in my voice.
"What about you?" I said, he was like, "what is it that you want?" I said 'tonight, i wanna fall asleep in your arms'. The next moment I saw someone across the locked part of my balcony. I got the keys and trying to make the least sound, I opened it. We sat in the swing while i lay my head across his chest.
It was harder than ever to hold back the tears.He caressed my hair.
I grabbed him tight enough, "I wana be with you always.". "how long is your always sweety?" He laughed his dimples out. 'Stop making fun of me' and till the sun rose we talked about silly things. It was around 5 20, I had  my flight at 9. You know the other day, I decided I'll marry you once you get back, and won't let you go anyday'. with this he kissed me and I kissed away his tears. 'I don't think you've packed, go get some sleep too, I'll be there by 8'. I kissed his cheek again and did that thrice, till i could see his dimples in that laughter.
He kissed my nose and said "go and let me go, We'd end up waking the others"
While I packed and spent those hours, my eyes were wet enough.
I had got him a portrait of all our present pictures together, this was to ensure that he'd remember me, after falling for the 'other girl' I was expecting. I loved him so much, I just wanted him to be happy, with me or without me.
While he drove, he kept holding my hand, other than while changing geyers. the moistness in my eyes didn't fade away till we were almost in there. while he got  to the back of the car to get my bags, I took that picture wrote 'always love you. -S' and kept it in the dashboard.
He waved me a goodbye.

20 Days later.
Getting up everyday to the sound of his voice had become my habit so badly, that nothing else could wake me up.
That day I didn't have any reason to, but I couldn't sleep all night. When his phone call came in the morning saying 'Get up sweeto' I just said that I missed him too much, he was like "howcome you're up?" I told him i couldn't sleep all night.
The rest day went like any other day, texting him all day. He texted in the evening that he was goingto see some relatives in the other part of the town.
I waited till about 8, and he didn't pick up.
it wasn't normal for someone who picked up the phone at the first ring. I called up at his home too, there wasn't any response.
After an hour, I got a call from my mother saying that she had a very bad news to deliver and she said-
"S was no more".
Those lines tore me apart. He was crashed out in a road accident.
For the next few days, I didn't know anything about time.

Today,It's 14th June, 2012, He died on 20th January 2010, it's been 2 years. Feels like everything just got incomplete. He is no more. Nor is the love.
He's dead today. It's not possible to believe it even today.
Every time i look at the other lane, I search for that smile in that white car to drive by.
For the terrace to find him smiling.
For those Kitkats.
For him.
I almost killed myself after he died.
I still love him, just that he's not around to love me back.


  1. :(.............

  2. Not a easy read at the end assassin. I am sorry. If it was just a story , it was a good narration. part of the story brought me nostalgic feeling except the last part.

  3. That was so much pain..unimaginable. I hope you're better now . It probably never eases but you'll get better at dealing with it. Stay strong.