Sunday, 12 August 2012

Letting the guard down.


After so many years of avoidance and taking steps back, I finally took a move on clearing things up. Not that I come with clean hands, but as for now, I'm not doing anything wrong.
Their thoughts matter. Be it in the positive sense we talk, or the negative one, it matters what they think about me, they're the only people in the world I owe my entire life to, and everything in me. When they browse the news and think that I might someday be the victim of the maybe assault or rape or harrasment (They just mention the case, the fear in their feeling goes evident), and then they point it at lost focus in life due to involvement with someone, it kind of cripples me.
This time the wrong gone version of the brother sister tale narrated to me, kind of set my head on fire. Thinking this is all that they can think I could do. I felt like they don't trust me at all. At least, such stories make me feel like that.
So, I wrote down a text to her, stating that I might have gone wrong in the past, but now, all that's in my head is focusing on what you expect of me, and standing upto those expectations. I've been trashed out and even black headed, but I've gained my momentum and revised my concise to knowing that what matter for me above everything is 'you'. and that I wasn't looking forward to being involved at all.
Not that it ain't true. I love them more than I've ever known of love. But somehow, when I'm not trusted, I feel bad.
Then I thought what it was like, letting the guard down. Earlier in the morning, she called to know if I was doing fine (she normally replies to all my texts, she had taken the night off in replying before she called in the morning).
The conversation went haywhile until she raised it to that text, I avoided it by saying that I was with a friend, could talk to her only later.
Then for hours, it kept stricking my head, whether I was wrong in stating so.

When it came down to today's visit home, I could only think of the newer set of justification I could frame, to you know, answer.
Moments before I was about to leave the house she said, 'Even if you wana run away with a boy, do it! It doesn't matter if he's kayasth or not, Never marry someone we ask you to... Marry someone you want to!'.
I hugged her and said that there was nothing in this world that could stand up against the kind of love I had for her.
Today has meant more than just a lot.
It has taught me that no matter what I do, my parents would respect my decisions. Not that I'd chose the wrong things, but I'll make sure I don't ever let them down.
For everything it's worth, I'll wish I have the same mother in every life I ever get.

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