Sometimes, the intention is not what matters. It's the ultimate thought.
Particularly, to the fact that 30 years is that maximum limit that I've set up for my life, there is probably no valid justification, but deep inside of me, I know that this would be right.
Sometimes its not about what we think is right or wrong, sometimes, what matters is what we want at the end of the day. It could be self immolation, jumping from across the bridge, choking oneself to death, or like in my case, just a silent poison.
I believe, 30 years is just enough time for me to accomplish what I want from my life. A single more day, would mean millions of more mistakes, and frankly speaking, I'm not too sure if I'm ready for the repurcussions.
I've believed, that every day, I kill more insects, more problems are created for the world by me each day. If I am born here, I've got my things to accomplish. Like making some money so that a few kids can get a life to help'em reach a normal life to be able to serve the same purpose for a few more kids. This will one day reach a point when none would suffer (that's too long to think about, but.. yes, I believe someday that will happen too). Alongwith providing home to a few parents who've been abandoned by their kids. I can't take the thought of my parents being without some one to take care of. This really kills me. Knowing the fact that there are million others suffering from what's even hard to imagine is absolutely sick.
So I'll have 3 homes. Beside each other. In the one in the middle, I'll live with like around 7 dogs. (There's nothing in this world I love more than my dog, Stevie; he's more than just a human). I'll adopt every abandoned dog I'll find, and will give them my home. *abandoned is different from the ones that live by the street*. The second home would be for the kids, (legally, I won't be authorised adoption, I sure can get the guardianship rights, and custody henceforth). and the third one for the parents. That would give me my dream family to be. With lots of kids, parents and pets.
The one thing my friends often question about this dream is choice of singlehood. I avoid straight forward answering. but the true reason is that I've decided to not let any one make me go through that again.
When S died, I died in the inside. So many times, I had to tell myself that I had parents responsible for me too. Because I wanted to die. I loved him so much, that he haunted me for months and years. Even now, I often see him in my dreams. I never got my answers. not even from God. Now, I'm not seeking them anymore.
I hate me for who I've become. But, I'm not looking up to changing anymore.