Saturday, 17 November 2012

Tracing the steps back.

'So you didn't clear things up with her yet?'  asked S with that little half way smile on his face, like he knew my answer.
'Nooo..' with a little happiness was my answer.
'Are you sure, we're going for this trip?', that's when it propped into my head, how many risks I was taking, all for once and once for all.
Not that I was fooling anyone, just that while interning, I would go with him for weekend breaks to Pushkar and Goa for once. 
It won't matter in the long run probably. I'll be with him, that will count. He unleashed a stroke of my hair and started tangling it around his finger while staring with a happy face.
This has been his nervous gesture. Normally, when he doesn't want things to go wrong, he would either start tapping his feet or look at me holding a stare.
I shifted from one foot to another within the confusion. For once nothing mattered, I just wanted to be in this moment. 
'Do you know, we could cancel this as well.. I mean if you don't want to take this, we can plan things later?'
Stepping a step closer to him, I said 'I'm not scared anymore.'
This was a bigger truth than my realization. Priorly with him, I was always scared of everything. Of thinking I wasn't justified in my actions. When not with him, it bothered that I was unjustified in my actions. He bent a little and caught hold of my lips via his, and it lasted longer than I had anticipated.
I realized that the thing holding onto this was selflessness. He never expected anything from me, but to love him. For him, there were no conditions. Just hopes that one day I will eventually marry him.
Dreams.
'How long has it been?' was his question, with that smurf smiling face.
I said '1032 days..'.

and I woke up from the dream and stared within the darkness into the reality.
It has been 1032 days since he died and it seems like I was still with him till yesterday.
Sometimes, knowing and believing are entirely different things.

18 comments:

  1. It won't matter in the long run probably. I'll be with him, that will count.
    -That is my consolation too everytime.
    Well,if this is not fiction then I'm sorry about the loss. But you seem to have built some good memories, always hold on to them dear.

    +To Me It Matters+

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  2. Loss of a close one is a mighty hard thing to deal with. People say time heals everything...personally I never believed it. Time just lets the feeling sink in deeper until you start believing that it is not there anymore and you've to live despite all of it. Take Care.

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  3. It's sad when we lose our loved ones ... memories remain behind, but they don't soothe our feelings. It's difficult to move ahead, but then, we got to be strong !!!

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  4. Not scared anymore?! Hmmm. I think I am just thinking a lot these days. I got lost on the way. Loosing someone hurts like anything.

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  5. The last few lines made me want to cry!
    Reality bruises you!
    Take lots and lots of care. I mean it!
    *hug*

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  6. This is a lovely piece of writing. Not sure if it's real or fiction, but it was heartfelt and full of emotion. Loss is a difficult thing and it takes time to heal. Keep writing. :) Thank you for visiting my blog.

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  7. You are an amazingly gifted writer!! What an amazing blog you have here.

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  8. Reality is darkness, that's why I'm always afraid.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  9. good writing that touches the core of heart...God love U

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  10. this is a nice story. i like it.

    thanks for following my blog. and if you have free time, please visit my other blog:
    wongfeilong.blogspot.com

    i wrote a story in it. one of them was already finished. it's called Circle Quartet :)

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  11. Poignant, beautiful and well written. Made me think of my own lost loved ones. You are a talented writer! :-)

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  12. That was beautiful and the twist was tragic

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  13. Traumatic memories are buried deep in our unconscious mind. They surface up when we're asleep and they can simply make us cry. I like the way you ended this short story, I wasn't expecting such an ending. Very well written.

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  14. By any means, is it the outcome of your imagination? If that’s the case that’s some real imagination gone in there…
    If that’s nt the case, I have no words to say anything on this…

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  15. beautifully written...sometimes reality sucks...somedays when the pain becomes too intense, it feels so good to go to that fantasy world where everything is the way we want...Hope you get back your happiness soon...love<3

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