Saturday, 29 December 2012

After All.

After everything, I don't want to change anything around me. Acceptance is the new deal.
I want me to be pious in the deeds. I want to appreciate every piece of world the way it comes to me. After criticizing, being let down, letting down, falling down, scratching the wounds, it's time for healing.
The healing is drawing peace. Peace not within the outside, but with self in realization.
I've realized that the only way I am gonna get through time is by drawing peace with that thing.

With Dad. 19 years of knowing him meant a lot of questioning, a lot of times not trying to understand what he meant, the reasons he meant those things. Every time, I was wrong. Every time, I failed to understand his intentions. Now, I think before I act rude. There sure were problems, but those problems were majorly because of me. Because I never valued what I had. He never acted like I couldn't be forgiven, when if I would have been in his position, it would've been pretty hard for me to let go of those things. I love him. And, I took 19 years to realize that I didn't need a reason for that. I can't 'not' love him 'cause he couldn't afford the better car, or for he couldn't let me go abroad for that stupid internship. I love him and I can't put a  cause to it. There's nothing that I can do that can ever suffice what he has been to me. A better father than anyone can ever think of. He loved me even when I behaved like I hated him. It's hard to forgive myself for who I was at a point of time.

With Muma, I couldn't ever convey what I really meant. She has been the best for me, I was rude and bad at a point of time, often I still am, but I never meant anything for wrong. I always wanted to protect her, to expand the horizon of how she looked at things. I wanted the negative perception to be turned to the one that was appreciative, the lesser doubtful, happy person. But, I feel I fail at it. 'cause none of the things really affect her. Nothing. Like I make no sense to her.
I might not be a good person, but for her I never ever meant anything wrong. I loved her more than I ever loved anyone, yet I failed with everything in her case. I can't stop trying. But, things won't stop falling apart.

They say, never choose someone who has to think twice about choosing you. For a lot of my other confused relations, that answers pretty much everything.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Dreaming within the Reality.

Morning blues. That's how every winter day begins for me. This winter, while I woke up to a newer destination, I was too lazy to plan for the day. All that I did was grabbed coffee and ran within day dreaming.
I believe in angels. in God sending messages via messengers who bring about with themselves, Happiness.
I had no idea that this last day at internship was going to change my entire life.
While I was about to leave the office, the newly made friends (the associates at the firm) gifted a farewell gift to me.
Amongst three other things, was a book, the one I had been looking for probably longer than for decades. The one that was to answer every dilemma. Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss was more than just a book for me.
Death was one of the most disrupted concepts in my head, it told me, that Death wasn't the end. While I still blamed myself for what happened to my granpa, and S, it told me, that more than anything, it was what they had chosen for themselves. The way they wanted things to be.
It told me, that happiness was reasonless, and everytime I appended a reason to it, I lessened down its value. 'cause while the reason would eventually die out, so would the happiness.
It told me, that there are three basic attributes to life, hope, faith, and happiness tied with the strings of love.
This is lesser than an excerpt to convey what is compassed within that story.