Thursday, 30 August 2012

Dreams of you.


You're my lullaby.
Every night, I have to lie to myself that you're there. Still here. Never gone. Like nothing happened.
These lies bring in me the peace of your presence.
I talk to different people, to try to avoid the feel of your absence. I try to make you disappear from my mind.
But then, everytime you end up coming back.

I dreamt of you last night. It felt like you still existed.
I stayed in my home and waiting for you to show up, and this time you did.
You entered and then we left for some place together.
We went back to the times we lived in.
In those places with our friends waiting at the ice-cream parlour. We met them again. The last time I had seen them was with you. It felt like we were back to the life we used to have. Cracked jokes, talked shit and were happy. Like everything was for real. Like nothing ever went wrong. Like no one ever died.
Like we could still play scotland yard, screaming like hell.
like we were always waiting at the terrace for the night to end and the day to begin.
Like every eclipse that we saw together came back to make us see it again.
Like everytime I looked out of the balcony thinking of you, you could show up and give me the presence of your dimples.
Like I could still dance in the rain with you.
Like you could kiss my cheek again letting me know that nothing ever went wrong.
Like those kitkats could get back to me from you.
Like we could still drive longer distances just knowing that nothing else mattered but your presence in my world.
Like you could just exist.
Like you never died.
Like nothing ever went wrong.
Like I could still caress your hair and fall asleep in your arms.
Like you existed again.
 If only, one of these wishes could be granted, I'd give up everything.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

The Zenith of Happiness.

It's towards salvation when things that should matter start to matter. When we step above the strands of complacency unto the realizations of happiness.
Writing was my drive, not getting it published. It hurt a little when I didn't see my name back in there. but then came upon a beautiful realisation, as to what really matters? was it writing for ekphrasis or getting it published?
Peace is hard to find within oneself, but when the self knows what you're seeking and its worth, things turn out to be much better.
As K once told me what was reiterated by Lord Krishna in Mahabharata.. "Karmanye vadhikaraste ma phaleshu kadachna Karmaphalehtur bhurma te sangostvakarmani." meaning, the worth is lost when we expect the fruit of what we did. And there it loses all it's essence.
Life is beautiful. Scores and markings won't make a difference to those who know what matters at the end of the day.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Letting the guard down.


After so many years of avoidance and taking steps back, I finally took a move on clearing things up. Not that I come with clean hands, but as for now, I'm not doing anything wrong.
Their thoughts matter. Be it in the positive sense we talk, or the negative one, it matters what they think about me, they're the only people in the world I owe my entire life to, and everything in me. When they browse the news and think that I might someday be the victim of the maybe assault or rape or harrasment (They just mention the case, the fear in their feeling goes evident), and then they point it at lost focus in life due to involvement with someone, it kind of cripples me.
This time the wrong gone version of the brother sister tale narrated to me, kind of set my head on fire. Thinking this is all that they can think I could do. I felt like they don't trust me at all. At least, such stories make me feel like that.
So, I wrote down a text to her, stating that I might have gone wrong in the past, but now, all that's in my head is focusing on what you expect of me, and standing upto those expectations. I've been trashed out and even black headed, but I've gained my momentum and revised my concise to knowing that what matter for me above everything is 'you'. and that I wasn't looking forward to being involved at all.
Not that it ain't true. I love them more than I've ever known of love. But somehow, when I'm not trusted, I feel bad.
Then I thought what it was like, letting the guard down. Earlier in the morning, she called to know if I was doing fine (she normally replies to all my texts, she had taken the night off in replying before she called in the morning).
The conversation went haywhile until she raised it to that text, I avoided it by saying that I was with a friend, could talk to her only later.
Then for hours, it kept stricking my head, whether I was wrong in stating so.

When it came down to today's visit home, I could only think of the newer set of justification I could frame, to you know, answer.
Moments before I was about to leave the house she said, 'Even if you wana run away with a boy, do it! It doesn't matter if he's kayasth or not, Never marry someone we ask you to... Marry someone you want to!'.
I hugged her and said that there was nothing in this world that could stand up against the kind of love I had for her.
Today has meant more than just a lot.
It has taught me that no matter what I do, my parents would respect my decisions. Not that I'd chose the wrong things, but I'll make sure I don't ever let them down.
For everything it's worth, I'll wish I have the same mother in every life I ever get.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Music.Roza.Happiness.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now!

All that's running in my head is excitement. This time, I'm really doing what I've been longing to do all along. That's keeping Roza in it's true sense. How glad it makes me feel is above my capacity to define. These little things make me feel the real sense of happiness. They make me float above my frustum.
Music is the magic to it. It makes everything worthwhile.

I'm just wishing this happiness lasts, and that I don't give it up to my needs and rise above my sense of pain and find a newer level to fight myself off.
I'm just exactly where I want to be, getting up at 3 30 in the morning, being so excited about this new schedule and then waiting to know what the real sense of starvation feels like.

I'm looking for those answers again. The ones I had thought that i had left behind. The quest seems promising maybe. I'll try to find ways to contact him. The plan is 'planchette'. Sounds a little uncanny maybe, but I have high hopes.
When I sometimes think about what I lost then, I didn't realise back then, and now it comes back to make me realise what in true sense was lost.

As for the second thing is up, the hopes and aspirations are dead.

Not to kill this happiness, I'm so up for Roza. The fact of today's (kinda) exam is just like a lie.
I'm hoping to  keep things the way just the way they are today.
Happy.
Little.
Musical!

The innate attraction to the devil.

This sounds strange probably, but people like me have a very strong attraction towards doing things qualified as 'wrong' for the normal people. Worst part is when it seems so right despite knowing the repercussions.
This has meant, I've been in probably every wrong place at wrong times, without feeling guilty about it.
This innate attraction towards it makes it cheesier.
Not that I like doing wrong, it's just that sometimes it's not possible to make it sound 'wrong' to your own ears.
Overdosing sleeping pills has been my favourite of everything, it nullifies every feeling, despite how crackling that might be.
Nicotine, despite how hard it was to be doing it, yet I felt so fuckin' interested in doing it, that every thought that classified it as wrong got itself fucked up.
When with S, it sounded no wrong at all.
The thing is, despite all, I feel that we shouldn't blame ourselves and never classify whatever we did as being wrong. 'cause at that standpoint of time, we were probably right in chosing whatever we chose. Regret is no option. It was right, and remains right if you felt so.

Every time I think of what am I doing to myself being in these wrong places, I always find a better justification than I had the last time!

Sunday, 5 August 2012

The Mortal Intentions.


Sometimes, the intention is not what matters. It's the ultimate thought.
Particularly, to the fact that 30 years is that maximum limit that I've set up for my life, there is probably no valid justification, but deep inside of me, I know that this would be right.
Sometimes its not about what we think is right or wrong, sometimes, what matters is what we want at the end of the day. It could be self immolation, jumping from across the bridge, choking oneself to death, or like in my case, just a silent poison.
I believe,  30 years is just enough time for me to accomplish what I want from my life. A single more day, would mean millions of more mistakes, and frankly speaking, I'm not too sure if I'm ready for the repurcussions.
I've believed, that every day, I kill more insects, more problems are created for the world by me each day. If I am born here, I've got my things to accomplish. Like making some money so that a few kids can get a life to help'em reach a normal life to be able to serve the same purpose for a few more kids. This will one day reach a point when none would suffer (that's too long to think about, but.. yes, I believe someday that will happen too). Alongwith providing home to a few parents who've been abandoned by their kids. I can't take the thought of my parents being without some one to take care of. This really kills me. Knowing the fact that there are million others suffering from what's even hard to imagine is absolutely sick.
So I'll have 3 homes. Beside each other. In the one in the middle, I'll live with like around 7 dogs. (There's nothing in this world I love more than my dog, Stevie; he's more than just a human). I'll adopt every abandoned dog I'll find, and will give them my home. *abandoned is different from the ones that live by the street*. The second home would be for the kids, (legally, I won't be authorised adoption, I sure can get the guardianship rights, and custody henceforth). and the third one for the parents. That would give me my dream family to be. With lots of kids, parents and pets.
The one thing my friends often question about this dream is choice of singlehood. I avoid straight forward answering. but the true reason is that I've decided to not let any one make me go through that again.
When S died, I died in the inside. So many times, I had to tell myself that I had parents responsible for me too. Because I wanted to die. I loved him so much, that he haunted me for months and years. Even now, I often see him in my dreams. I never got my answers. not even from God. Now, I'm not seeking them anymore.
I hate me for who I've become. But, I'm not looking up to changing  anymore.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Creed and being broken.


There can't be something as amazing as the music by Creed. Everytime there's something different to offer within the same song. Feels like even a million hearings won't cover for the magic it carries within itself. The aura is amazing.
It makes me think of him and what might someday happen.
I see a few stories.
The one that says the song is playing in my head and we're at a pub with different people. And in the crowd, we spot each other halfway through. I see him coming to get for me, looks at me and smiles. Apparently, I keep staring him, searching for all the reasons I couldn't find. He reaches for me and gives me a hug and there's no going back. We end up travelling together and without any justification every problem ends. Everyday, this little dream pops into my head and can't find a way back aboard.
There's this other version too.
I see myself standing in the library, searching for something I can't find. That's when someone props me from the behind, and says there's someone waiting for me at the outside. As I move to the outer space, I don't see anyone and then suddenly someone holds me and kisses my cheek. I see it's him. Like what happened never happened ever. I cuddle him up. We take the road and the fight is a distant memory.

Sometimes in the night, I wake up and cry, thinking that he's waiting right outside the main entrance and they won't let him in. He keeps defying the odds and that every other way is blocked.

I don't have any justification for whatever is happening around. But, it's happening again.
It's struck me harder. And, seems like there is no solution to Death.
I miss him.