Friday, 13 December 2013

Insatiable bliss.

Waking up to the sound of your breathing beside me gave a sense of peace. The pictures were still hazy from within the alcohol, the shimmering sunny curtains, the wind chime blowing by, the glossily lit colored glass works, the painting of that horse running by. For a few moments everything was still moving, like happiness was blowing by. The sound of the cuckoo on the window sill, the greenness outside the frames, the slowly moving fan above our head, like we were in a perfect little world, painting our dreams.
You lifted the fallen shell of that sheet to cover me still too bright to open your eyes. I was lost in the gaze held towards you, like time stood still, the world was passing by.
I whispered in your ear are we still dreaming?
That cornered dimple smile flashed by, holding me closer, you gave a slight nod.
Those mornings are far. There's not a Never though. 
P.S. I'm dreaming of him again. But surprisingly, there's happiness to it. Content. Joy.
So much for a dead boyfriend aging 3 years and 11 months now!

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Stars and her.

The place was set, the trumpets blaring, stars aligned, routes cleared.
She was waiting for her new venture which the foreteller was now to send her for. She was excited, as this would be her last one. Enough had come out from the past ones, she would then leave this level behind and move on to the next one, but there was this strange connection she had now started feeling with this level, the people, like a lust for a longer stay. She was the chosen one. She knew she wanted things to last, but then moving on meant more than that. She would have to leave. She told herself she'll make this last one, the most beautiful one, most thrilling, fearless, happy and colorful.
She turned to see the foreteller smiling at her excitement.
This should mean you've got things already running in your head.
'Isn't that like always?' was her inquisitive quick reply. 'But then there are more than just simple plans for this one! I'm gonna make things last' came out more like a note to oneself.
That has been the case with you, I wanted to tell you that there's a surprise to your venture this time though. 
For a second she paused, only to realise that this brought a smile. She loved surprises, even when they were the worst ones. In the past she had noted that the foreteller would cast a spell on a venture and then all she had to do was decipher the spell and find the cue. She was so much in love with this game of decoding and finding the exit that all it did to her was add more adrenaline.

She waited for him. He brought the piece of paper.

To your words be gold, 
And the faith behold.
To your world be complete,
and your self discreet.

To your understanding unbound,
and best realities be found.
Here I say, 
except the scar, utter dismay.

For he shall come, 
and till then you'll lay.
Within the shell of your wrap,
uncover he shall, and then you'll play.


3.11.2013.
She realized she had found him. The cover was now to be unveiled. The wait was over.


P.S. Happy Diwali everyone. :)

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Personifying you.

It seems like I've found you.
Not in person though, but you're everything I've ever wanted you to be.

In the first place, you're tall, of course 6 feet plus. That's where my first thought resides.
Then you're strong; with larger palm, large enough to hold mine within.
Then you're the funny one, 'cause I've got too much of my seriousness already, you know how to make up for it.
You have a laughter worth counting one, the one in which I can bury myself and not care what the world knows.
You're the mushy practical one. I'm the dreamer, you put my dreams to reality.
You are different, like you don't care what they think.
All you do is blush around me, letting my friends know you have it all for me.
You find ways to fit in my life. I'm the shy one, won't make a move to come around you, even when I'm secretly always thinking of you. You're the one with the moves, always finding the right reasons to fit in.

You have all that I needed ever. The answers. You could buy my world with that. Your imagination is enticing. You are the one I asked to be a writer. I am in love with your thoughts. You are real. My dreams are unrealistic, you bring them to life.

I'd like to hold onto this feeling. It's liberating.
Often I find a safer place in my imagination but now it feels like things are about to change.


Thursday, 17 October 2013

Pushing beyond the marked lines.

If self respect was a bag of things, I'd see myself as someone losing it most often.





I thought we could give it to those who would take care of it. 
I always chose the worst ones to give in to. Now, I don't have much love for myself left.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Social Disconnection and the Art of Living in Denial.

I don't like the kind of person I've become or am becoming.
So separated, so selective, so secluded at times that it scares me to look at myself and see a sense of weird insenstivity, inability to be a shoulder to cry on, incapability to ever cry (It's been years since tears welled in my eyes), like I'm a stone hearted cold person ( A friend called me insensitive a few months back when I responded to a crying person by making her cry even more).

I've closed myself down to feelings.
The guy who almost asked me out felt left out probably, after I changed the topic of discussion in ways that didn't pull the conversation to the same topic.
Someone passed away recently, and I didn't, to tell you the truth CAN'T shed a tear.
My defence mechanism is way stronger than it used to be, I've convinced myself of solutions to the worst of realities, but it's leading me to doom-hood, where I don't see myself as a human anymore, just a mere plastic existence. No feelings. Immortal faith.

I used to think that such strong faith is the answer I had been looking for. The phase after S passed away pulled me into years of depression, that was filled with lonliness and endless battles within the head.
Then to change that I read things that convinced me, I know I am not the one with blind faith, but re incarnation theories appealed to my understandings in ways beyond repair. I don't judge. Don't criticize. Can't see flaws. Love unconditionally. Don't expect.
But it doesn't seem like the answer, it feels like I want to go back now. To being stupid, witty, and irrational.
Because, the kind of a person I am now is not the one that can be happy in these surroundings, here you're expected to be happy AND sad at times, to be a winner AND loser at times. To be able to cherish AND criticize at times.

Maybe its a kind of Social Rejection that is making me feel unhealthy about myself, or the fact that the judgmental nature where people have political opinions and I don't makes me feel out of place.

The many battles I was fighting inside are settled, but now there are new ones. Like Always.


 In today's social psychology lecture we discussed our preferences of the partners, now I know why I chose the complementary nature as opposed to similarity.

What would you choose? Would you want your partner to be complementary to who you are? Or similar?

Saturday, 21 September 2013

The most important question.

Look inside, pick a book and tell me why. 

Saturday, 14 September 2013

A Writer's Soul.

From the time I started understanding what holding a pen meant to me, the peace it gave to my soul, I knew this wasn't conventional.
Then I started reading, not much appealed, but what did, stayed. All the scribblings started making sense, like the heart lived in them.
Knowing myself, I've started realizing what it feels to be one, like a writer.
You love thoughts more than gold, different ones, the answers are what you seek, more than money.
It stops to matter what they say, what you think starts to matter.
You've been consistent in everything, be it the quests you take your heart for, or the day to day initiatives.
Then you meet those people, who conquer your heart, they're the ones with the right set of words, to answer your concise.
When you meet them, you ask them to scribble it down, so the best gifts you ever give are the diaries you treasure, collected from different times, saving them for the untold stories.
Your heart matters so much more than your mind that your priorities know to lead you towards your heart.
You don't look for answers anymore, you look for the better set of questions. You conquer the inner world, and define peace to your mind. Your mind finds a way out of the practicality and rationality that topples the judgment of the world.
You realize there is nothing really good or bad, its all about the heart, how well it conceives it.
Expectations aren't your thing, you lay back and do your part, and the rest is always a surprise, so whatever comes makes you happy either way, be it as gratefulness or as a lesson.
You know you know you. So all that matters is the smile at the end of writing a post, something that makes your day.
The only thing that breaks your heart is the discontinuity that books have, when you fall in love with one, you can't see it coming to an end. But then, you know its the writer who has appealed to your soul, so you can always go buy the other one (and try consoling yourself with such statements).
You care for the hearts of others, no matter who, you can't hate anything or anyone, you value their heart as much as you value yours and yet keep expecting miracles!



And the miracles come to you, 'cause you know you're a blessing to the world.
Thanking is your pursuit.
You live your dreams, every day, every minute.
You know its a happy little world, and you keep flashing that magic wand in your hand, that pen!
:)

P.S. If you're a left handed person, you love yourself a little more than people conventionally do! :D


Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Change.


Only change is permanent. 

Meeting people in life who want to change you, to accept you doesn't make sense to me. Wanting to change this or that in me, so that I'm acceptable to you, is the worst in people that comes out with time.

All those who can't accept me for who or how I am today, surely don't deserve me with any kind of change, 'cause the changed me would still be temporary, so tomorrow, when I'd change again, I will stop being acceptable to you.

Be it family, I've got to remember that those who don't accept me for who I am today, aren't worth being with. No matter when. They're like temporary influences that keep passing by.
I'd rather be alone that with people who are looking forward to change me, to draw their peace of acceptance.



Wednesday, 7 August 2013

The need to run.

The feeling to run away from everything and everyone I am is killing me.
I am done being me. Being someone. I don't like it anymore.
Nor this place, the blog.
I am not going to be here from now on.



The last post it is.
Thanks for respecting my opinions.
Have a great life.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Fix you.

Dreams are those manifestations  of reality of which we know we want to be a part of, yet something holds us back.  In my case, it's the truth or reality.
Understanding that these are the deepest hidden faith bound dreams is the hardest.

Chasing school buses for  being late was who I used to be as a teenager. I was the today's self running behind the school bus, with a few friends following me. As we rushed inside to find a place to sit, all that I could see was the empty last second seat on the left, the place I've chosen irrationally in every school bus I've ever stepped foot on. As I kept my bag down on that seat and making sure K had a seat behind me I adjusted to open the window.

 As I glared across the bus my eyes got stuck at the side smile of a boy sitting two places ahead of me. I saw a dimple flashing occasionally in a conversation with someone he was sitting with. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at him. I kept staring. He left his seat and came to sit beside me. It felt like I was looking at this face after a very long time, he gave me a hug and all I could do was cry. He said that death was a prank that lasted longer than it should've, and that he was always there! I pushed him away with a slight force,that's when he started laughing at me, that long lost laughter. 
 Then I rested my head in the shoulder I've loved the most. 





#On losing something you can't replace.
It's been 1283 days. 3 years, 6 months 6 days. And there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of him.



Thursday, 4 July 2013

Turning 20.

The second decade of my life just ended. It's difficult to understand this.
Five years behind the line, the picture of today was beautiful. It's different now.
The people I had in mind, to a large extent have drifted apart; others have come close too.
As I woke up to the thought of a really bad day to look forward to (being an anti-birthday person),
I wanted to go alone to some place of peace and quiet. I wanted those old friends to be around, grab a beer and day dream.
I did not have the day to myself, but it's better that way.

Depression seems to have lost it's course in my ride. That way, I'm glad.
I'm doing what I love to do, that is explore, so I'm not carrying any bag of regret. Happiness was a choice, I've jumbled up my pieces.

All the why's I had in mind, gradually disappeared, new one's have found place. It's practically bliss!
When I was 16, I wanted to make sure that when I was twenty, and ahead, I only wore Black or White. I'm pursuing law, wanting to be a Judge. 99 per cent of me is black!
I wanted to figure how things worked, so reading is my best friend!

I'm happy. I'd like to stay that way for a while now.
#GoodBye 20th twenty ninth June. We've made it across the two third line!




Thursday, 27 June 2013

Cancer and I.

They said many things.
I was eight when they first told me about it.
I wasn't going to be the victim, but someone who meant everything was.
I didn't know that it was going to change everything for me.

Not that it was contagious, but it's repercussions were going to be.
It's like the family was going down, like some doom was emerging.
I remember I didn't understand what it was, or how it ever entered the family.
None of us could do anything about it.
We were now to face it.

It had the ugliest face to itself.
Walking across the Hospitals, it started with a rushed crowd, everyone was in an emergency.
There were gowns of the sick, no smiles, green color, white coats, strechers, dropping glucose and blood bottles, unmatched slippers, hushy cries, people siting in silence and a lot of pain.

 I remember, they sat across the table from that lady doctor.
She checked on her, saying it was getting better, while she was all drenched in pain.
Then there were hours of being admitted, with him sleeping on the couch to lay by her.
Millions of wires connected across her body, I could hear her breathing.
She woke up, telling me to ignore everything and look across the window, to the match our country was winning, in the stadium within the glaring heat.

Then there was this operation, lasting 11 hours. We stayed at a relative's place.
My grampa used to tell me, that this is the last thing, it will make her perfectly fine. I stood there, in that house, looking onto the balcony, across to a family in the window. They were eating lunch together. I counted on my fingures the number of days since we four had had our meals together.
For that one minute, my heart just wanted to live with her, without the cancer in picture.

Not that she's cancer free today, but today, Cancer is not in the scene. It still lies in her body, but she has taken control now.






I hope this is it Cancer. I never wish to face you again.

Friday, 21 June 2013

Coloring the self.

For most the world is a rat race. They compete, strive, forgetting that the one's they're standing against are the ones they love the most.
For the rest, the race is about making the self better.
Choices do make a lot of difference.

Sometimes, the trap is between choosing to be selfish or selfless. The first instinct goes with selfless. But, there are 'buts' to it. Always.

Selflessness would mean standing for them. Being just to the others. Keeping them as the first priority.
Selfishness would mean being just to the self. Knowing that, one has to strengthen one's own stand too.

Sometimes, despite making no damage to the others, the choices make us selfish.
But then where is the justice?
The battle is equally balanced on both sides.
Loving them, and loving self are both very important.
But choosing either, turns unjust to the other. And No, sometimes, there's no middle way out.

The battle is between choosing which shades to color oneself with. When both the shades are lovable, important.



Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Misty dreams!

As I sat beside the window, glaring at the pouring rain the wind intensified. Those old white window panes were drenched in rain and the water had seeped into the wooden frames. The glasses were pale from wrath of time. The creepers were stranded with drops of water flowing down them, and it seemed like they were rather joyous. Last night before I crawled onto the bed, this strange perception engulfed me, like something wasnt right. I dont remember what I saw across the door. But there was someone.
Was it real, as in was he standing right in front of me or was he on the phone is blurred out in my head, I remember having heard his voice.
The same old 'you let me go' chatter. I remember him shouting at me. A part of me know he was never coming back. A part kept telling me that things could always change. The beauty sure lies in wanting things one can't have.
The battle was over. Things didnt change. He left. Yet again.
But this time I didn't want him back. I wanted to stay in the middle of everything. Yet again.




Saturday, 25 May 2013

Stevie.

As I gently opened the door trying not to make a sound, I knew he'd be awake. He never stopped caring. All these years, as I moved out, got back, or stayed in for a few days, he always counted on me returning back to this place, even when I didn't show up.
He would wait by the door till I snapped the key in and then like knowing it was me, would wag his tail hard enough to make a patting sound with the door.
These last years, as we all grew up, so did his worth. He had babies, we met them often, but never came across someone as quiet and understanding as him. He was always the one who kept it low. Not a fan of expressing himself much, like it runs down in this family, he always lied beside those who preferred.

Whenever he and I would go for a walk, he'd want to show me around places, like proving he belonged here. All those who knew him, would make sure they give him a call, when he's around. He was the one who acknowledged the appreciation.







Whenever I'd feel down, like he knew something was wrong with my mind, he'd come by lie by my side, and somehow that silence was all that I needed. Someone who licked my tears when I needed a shoulder. Someone who gave his entire life for the sake of happiness of those who believed in confining his existence within four walls, calling it a better atmosphere than those running lose. (I doubt what we know of Freedom). Yet, I haven't fallen in love with the same person as many times as I've fallen for him.

After S died, they had him waiting for me, at the house.
He made it all beautiful. Everything.
:)

Friday, 17 May 2013

The Blurred Future.

A part of me doesn't know that accident happened. A part of me believes there was a future.

As I opened the door to the entrance of his house, I saw him washing his Car. Within those dusty clothes and sweaty face he gave a smile of those shiny dimples. He was now a grown man. The one with a french beard, long face, military haircut, worked up arms and the lost smile. Everything made me fall for him. His love for me was still the same, at least I liked to believe that. Still opening the door for me, making sure everything I did involved minimum possible risk and maximum possible affection by him.

As I headed to sit by and give him the hug before leaving for my trip aboard, I wanted to seal the time and moment right then, in that smiling face. In those glittering eyes that belonged to him, yet belonged to me.

In that dream, he came forward told me he was coming along and everything went right.
But we aren't dreaming right? 

This part of me always says, I want to tell you the truth, but I don't want you to know it. At least, not yet. And Time, I've stopped counting on you.



Monday, 29 April 2013

Dreaming Inside.


Some how, this song has been the closest to my heart.
Days before he met with the accident, he told me about this song.
I still connect things when listening to it.
Linkin Park remains a legend.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Time.


Two years.

Two years in this place have passed.

I thought I couldn’t stand a place more than two years ever, the feeling to run away eventually crept in.

This is strange. Before the break begins, I want to stay. I want to stay here forever. Like frozen in time.

Never felt like I could feel this. I am in love with this place. This time.

Three more years down the lane left. I feel I never would want them to end.

I always thought I was the Frisbee, the one who’d end up feeling trapped in every place eventually.

I see myself as someone else now. Someone permanent for a change.

They say- only the one’s who’d believe in it, will find it, for Magic.

I seem to have found mine!

This is beautiful. Everything. I want this to stay.



Monday, 15 April 2013

7th September 2012.

They say I am one of those who lives in the past.
I like to believe that too, it's a whole new dimension in the past.
My own chariot of dreams.
Here's what I wrote on 7th September 2012. (Might sound lame, but I remember the beautiful feeling when I was jolting this down, this is an ode to that feeling) :)

The happy part of me,
I owe it to you!
You make my heart dance, 
like it's in a shower!

You show me all the glitter and the glee
Like I'm a frisbee,
who just learned to flee!

You make my wings flatter,
puff in the rain,
Your presence makes me feel,
like nothing goes in vain.

 You're my sunshine,
my porcupine!
My little bliss,
the immortal kiss!

My worldly haste,
the dreamer's face!

I love you, 
and there's nothing that doesn't do!

You make this world, 
the happiest place to be,
with all the posh-glosh,
and moon light for free!

You're my garden of hope,
I'm stuck to you like a cloak!
I don't know why,
but it's perfectly alright,
to be with you all the time
dreaming of you all the while!

Thinking like everything's here,
whenever you're near!
And when you give that look,
It makes me think, that's the hook
that keeps my heart stuck to yours.

When you sleep or when you cry,
you give me everything you are,
your smile and your guitar,
you're my little glitter boy,
I love you like a child loves a toy!

You're my prince charming,
there's everything in you alarming!
You make me think that I can never love, 
someone as much as I love you.
for there can't be someone,
as mine as you!

Give me my happiness and blow away that puffy cheek,
bring it here and let me show you how not to weep!
I want to be with you all the time,
with you holding me high.
For me, you're everything to be,
left no where else to flee!

I love you,
and without a reason why!
'cause I'll keep loving you,
no matter how hard you try!

This is no catch, no trap,
just telling you, you mean so much to me.
Everything that's left behind
truly tells me why,
there aren't enough 
pigeons in the sky!

There's everything I'll love you for,
every person you'll ever be,
the little boy I know,
or the man you are to be!

You know you are better than perfection for me!
Here's telling you why, I love you reasonlessly. 


I didn't mean to make any sense.
There's this mad state of love, which out pours when drunk.
This was drunk me screaming to A, the whys of he and me.



Sunday, 31 March 2013

A year.

1 Year Ago.
I am letting go of you.
Of your present. Of our past. Of everything we shared together, to find a new reality for me.


Today.
I let go of you back then, from me. 
But within me, you still lived. 
I kept reverting back and forth everytime. Treading in times of past again and again. Your dreams haunted me.
This time, I really want to set myself free. From everything. From you. From you in me.

Here's a final goodbye.
I want it to last.
For good.
I hope there's peace for you in this world too. And beyond.


Thursday, 21 March 2013

Magically.

As I told him on the phone I'll be just fine and gave the best possible explanation to how and why (totally fake and not meaning a word of it) I knew it was time to kill sometime within the pillows in my room hiding away the things that hadn't found a way out in a long time. I kept telling him that this is not the end and that happiness was a choice, not option (In my heart, I kept thinking about ways to kill myself as nothing but a feeling like this was the end kept perching within me). He said you know what you mean to me, and I was willing to sacrifice everything, yet it didn't seem like it was going to work. I said that it was noone's fault, and I wasn't blaming anyone (Inside, I was blaming myself for everything, like everything I choose and everything I start believing in, comes breaking apart, so the problem lies in choices).
With that, I kept the phone down, silently crossed the hall without a murmur out of my mind, taking a bite from Pa's plate while he was eating.
As I entered my room, I shut the windows, with all the peace that I could possibly gather, shut the exit knob of the door sealing every possible exit. I curtained the windows and the doors, shut the light. Collapsing on the bed I cried like never before.
It felt like nothing meant anything to me now. Like everything kept defeating me telling me that everything was going to end. Like I wasn't meant to be alive.
I bluntly started searching for the blade I had hidden beneath the mattresses, something I hadn't seen in long. Somehow, giving myself more pain hides away the pain in my head, so I cut my hands as brutally as I can in such times.
With that I took the last resort, stuffing myself with sleeping pills, probably 4, strong enough to make me fall asleep and lesser than the amount sufficed to kill me, and started humming myself to sleep.

In a few minutes, I heard someone knocking on the door of my room. Strangely, it was him. He said he really wanted to talk to me. I was blurred between reality and dreaming. Somehow, dragging myself towards the door, he held me and kissed my forehead.
I noticed he was all dressed in formals, like this was some occassion. I washed my face before thinking of where this was all going.
I saw he was here with his parents. His parents were talking to mine.
They were discussing some celebration.
I wasn't in the state of mind to understand or interpret, I just composed myself in the hall, looking at Stevie (our dog) who kept wagging his tail towards him and lapping me with his saliva.
He asked me to stand up, kissing my cheek he said 'Now that the largest formality of making our parents agree to this has been sought, S**** T**** , will you marry me? bending on his one knee and taking out a ring from within his right hand.
I was seconds away from fainting and floating, like I was the happiest person alive, soo happy that the state of mind can't find a way out.

And then I checked the clock, it was 6.00 in the evening. The dream had ended, I kept staring out of the window.


P.S.
This was one of the dreams I don't think I am ever going to forget. Minutes after I am up, I make this entry, to keep it forever alive.
Sometimes, I believe this is going to happen. Atleast, I love to believe in it.

P.P.S.
Blogger family is giving me the best welcome back feeling. I feel the connection between us. It keeps giving me good reasons to always be here. Always. :)

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Reverting Back.

I knew something was wrong.
You left.
And you were never to be found.



P.S.
A few moments of happiness and then I'm haunted again. By your thoughts. Your dreams. Your love. Your aspirations. Your words. Your presence. 
I don't seem to accept Death as an answer. 
I need more. More than just an unanswered answer at least.

P.P.S.
I'm back from the long slumber. This place keeps me alive. This is one proof of my existence, and every time I look at it, it gives me a feeling that there's more to life than just being alive.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

God and I.

'So, you're in the law school now, I remember you wanted to be happy.'

 'apparently, this is happiness. Knowing that I love doing this, and being here, wasn't my part of the plan though.'

'How is the world treating you? Are all your questions revealing out their mystery?'

'There are answers. And a few more questions too.'

'Am I a question or an answer?'

'Depends on what you want me to say.'

'Does that change the amount of love we share?'

'Wish it could. It keeps increasing.'

'Is that good?'

...

P.S.
I feel, God and I share a mysterious relationship. This was part of a dream. I didn't realize who was I talking to, part of it felt like S, and a part seemed to say it was God.
This juncture, is simplified. There are more solutions than were questions.
Newer realities are revealing themselves to me. It makes me feel like it's a blessing.
Everything is getting better. Simpler. Easier.
I like to believe that it's God answering all the dilemmas.


Thursday, 14 February 2013

Being in the Middle.

Not that I haven't known this long enough already. But, practically, I want to leave a lot of things behind.
It can't get more messed up than what existed.

Knowing A. I knew him, from when I was 12 something. He was my cheesy enemy. He reminded me of these stories a few years ago. He said that I was the one who always behaved like I hated him. While we were forced to sit beside each other in the seventh grade probably, he loved the fact that I always kept my hand over my handkerchief. That I was particular about hiding my notes from him copying them. That I kept my bag in between the two of us to avoid him. That I did my hair the way he remembered them. That he loved the way I used to keep playing with my hand.(which I still do, this is one stupid gesture I don't see myself getting rid off). That he envied J for he was my friend, and with A it wasn't so. That while he was a kid, I was the first person he liked.

After S died, somehow I randomly received a message from A. We talked about the old stories. The lost time, about not having have had that kind of a place in our lives anymore. He told me back then, he was going through a phase, he was to repeat a year 'cause illness kept him down. And that none of the people of our class treated him right. But somehow he could find his peace in me.

After so long, things became better. But, I made a mistake.
While we shared the liking, due to changed circumstances and us being in two different Really far away cities and probably when just a year had passed since S died, I mistook it.
In my head, I had superseded the voice of S to that of A.

When, returning back to town, I met A, I was bad to him, I couldn't figure out why was I so messed up.
Things were good as long as I maintained the distance, as soon as I saw him, I started reverting back questioning myself. Like I was not justified in doing this to S.
A year from then, I figured out what was going on. I was being bad. To S and to A. For in A, I was trying to find S, so I had to end it.
We broke up.

Frankly confessing, I had a thing for him. I kinda still do. Not knowing, what is and what is not right! But, my heart tells me that, somehow I should wait for him. For he is someone I am really looking for.
The fact that I cared about the similarities S and A shared. I don't know. It seems right.
The fact that as two different individuals aswell I can love them, doesn't hamper my peace anymore. (Which I should've figured out a little earlier, this April it would turn out to be a year since I broke up with A).


Now, I have corrected it. Being messed up, that's kinda me.. Now, the difference is, I've forgiven myself. And it seems right.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Liebster award. :)

Wow this is a wonderful surprise i got nominated for the Liebster Blog Award. Thank you so much for nominating me Riena Summers :)

Rules:

1. Tell 10 random facts about yourself
2. Answer my questions please
3. Nominate 11 bloggers with least than 200 followers
4. Write 11 questions for them to answer.



10 Random Facts

1. I'm a Libra. That means I'm always striving to balance things out.
2. I love giving away gifts to people. Gifts on no occassion is my way of expressing love. :)
3. Trying to be a Judge someday means, in real life, I try to be the least judgmental, ofcourse I fail at it.
4. Apparently, I look like a serious person, but the ones who know me, know that I really have the laughter bone in me.
5. I love to laugh, dance, sing, smile, cuddle, hug! (There's a lot more to it ;))
6. Birthdays are my favourite days. My calender begins and ends on my birthday.
7. I love my work (which is to study for the next 3.something years) and I do justice to it.
8. I love secrets. I canvas them as hard as I can. 
9. I think I have the OCD. I am exceptionally clean and tidy. And anger means I start cleaning again, till there's nothing left to clean again.
10. Black is my favourite color. That means, 99 percent of the stuff I own is black. 


10 Answers for Summers.  

1. Names don't make a change to anything. Let's resort to addressing me as Purple Assassin! :)
2. Blogging. I think it's been almost 2 years with this blog. But in the last 4 years I've switched in between selecting and deleting Blogs.
3.The fact that I can talk about things I can't to people, is what I love about Blogging. This serves as a place where I confess things to myself!
4.Just checked out! You have an amazing Channel! :)
5. I would embrace the Zombies! as the Zombies would include a few friends of mine ;)
6.I'm more into Pop. The slow romantic kind. My recent favourite is Flightless Bird and Thousand Years!
7.Actually, I am in sane! ;)  
8. Sorry Summers, I prefer Winters ;) Gives me time to cuddle up! :)
9. Hell it is. :)
11. Of course I'd be your friend :) 

Nominees  

1. Momina
2. Raj
3.Aprad
4.Aishwaya
5.The Guy in the Mirror
6.Sui
7.ManNmind
8.Risha
9.Shadow
10.Shikha

11 Questions for the Nominees!

1. What is your real name? Why did you chose the current Blogger Name?
2. Which color do you like the most? 
3. What is one thing you found hard to confess about yourself? The one you didn't even mention in the prior confessions?
4. Do you let the child within you come out often?
5. Do you really read people's post before commenting? :P 
6. Do you confess about Crushes or do you like to hide it away?
7. Chocolates or No-chocolates?
8. Have you been to India? Is it one place you might be interested to visit?
9.  Do you believe in God? 
10. Do you think of dying often or maybe killing yourself?
11. Will you be my friend?[Loved the question Summers, so had to follow you at it ;)]




  

Saturday, 19 January 2013

The Birthday.

January 20th, a few years ago.

The day would begin with a rather delighted insight and lot of happiness in my head. S's birthday was equivalent to my birthday. He was my best friend. More than that sometimes. Growing up right beside him from the time we started off with the scratches meant he was practically family. He would come by the morning, refreshened, touch my parents feet, like we do to elders as a mark of respect and pretend as if he didn't care if I didn't remember that it was his birthday today. I never wished him until I felt it was the right time to wish him, pretending as if I had completely forgotten about this day. He'd try and give away every possible hint to make me realize how special it was a day for him, I tried to behave like every effort of him failed. One year, I made him angry enough to be in tears, not talking to him at all, we were probably ten or twelve back then. Being his best friend, I always knew what he wanted the most on his birthdays, I made sure I had what made him happy.Opening the gifts together, was the most cherishable memory we shared together. It lasted each year, where we recollected the stories of the past years' gifts and the significant change in what he received as the years grew by.


 20th January 2009.

The last birthday he got to celebrate. His 16th. The 17th year of his life began the night of this date. We were together, his family, he, and I along with my sister. He cut the cake giving away the first piece of it to me along with the dimply smile that can't find a way out of my world. I gave him a hug before drenching him with the paste of icing and coke. It lasted as long as we enjoyed. Later that night when the parents had fallen asleep, he sneaked in from my balcony. We lied on my bed watching TV and eating the little cake I made him for. We danced a little, till my sister fell asleep. As the morning sun seemed almost visible along the horizon I lied on his arms swinging in the swing. He said that this would be our every year story. Every birthday we'd wait for the sun to rise. With that he moved a little closer, closed his lips within mine and pulled me a little closer along the neck. That was the last birthday of him we celebrated ever.

 12th January 2010 he saw the last rising sun. There were no 20th January's since then. 

Friday, 11 January 2013

3 years...

Let's talk about it.
How it has been, within these 3 years of not knowing you.
Not knowing that you're around.
Not knowing that you love me too.
Not knowing that you have my back.
Not knowing that there is a tomorrow with you.
Not knowing that there are times of being spoiled by you.
Not knowing that I can rely on you no matter what.
Not knowing that your nose is closest to mine.
Not knowing that those dimples are the only things that make me laugh with tears.
Not knowing that I am me..
                                       'cause I am not me without you.

Three years.
It's been 3 years since I've been really happy.
That accident took away more than just you.


P.S. It's 12th January again.


Friday, 4 January 2013

Longing Confessions.

Sometimes, the mind doesn't know what's missing, but the absence can be felt. A couple of nights ago, a dream told me that in the next few days, I wouldn't find peace, neither with-in nor with-out.
I wandered in the remains of an old fort, all empty, by myself, searching for the one thing I couldn't find, not knowing what it was that I was searching for.

Silent murmurs in his voice blew with the flow of the air. There was a thunder then. Like the sky was about to cry. The window pane came crashing down and the wooden shelves were left open. Came with the strong wind were the letters I had lost, forgotten about and left behind, the one's he had written. long before he was long gone.

A tree trunk fell off the tree and crashed my head with the blow of the wind.

Exasperated. I woke up with a little ache in my head, only to find those lost letters in the little bed side table right beside me.



I don't really how things work here in this world. I am exhausted. Exhausted after spending so much of time in searching those answers. It leaves me behind with wrath all the time.
What more had the tears to offer? A lot of pain. Again.
This wait has been too long. And somewhere it doesn't seem to end. Death seems to take away a lot along with it. A Lot.