Being in the Middle.

Not that I haven't known this long enough already. But, practically, I want to leave a lot of things behind.
It can't get more messed up than what existed.

Knowing A. I knew him, from when I was 12 something. He was my cheesy enemy. He reminded me of these stories a few years ago. He said that I was the one who always behaved like I hated him. While we were forced to sit beside each other in the seventh grade probably, he loved the fact that I always kept my hand over my handkerchief. That I was particular about hiding my notes from him copying them. That I kept my bag in between the two of us to avoid him. That I did my hair the way he remembered them. That he loved the way I used to keep playing with my hand.(which I still do, this is one stupid gesture I don't see myself getting rid off). That he envied J for he was my friend, and with A it wasn't so. That while he was a kid, I was the first person he liked.

After S died, somehow I randomly received a message from A. We talked about the old stories. The lost time, about not having have had that kind of a place in our lives anymore. He told me back then, he was going through a phase, he was to repeat a year 'cause illness kept him down. And that none of the people of our class treated him right. But somehow he could find his peace in me.

After so long, things became better. But, I made a mistake.
While we shared the liking, due to changed circumstances and us being in two different Really far away cities and probably when just a year had passed since S died, I mistook it.
In my head, I had superseded the voice of S to that of A.

When, returning back to town, I met A, I was bad to him, I couldn't figure out why was I so messed up.
Things were good as long as I maintained the distance, as soon as I saw him, I started reverting back questioning myself. Like I was not justified in doing this to S.
A year from then, I figured out what was going on. I was being bad. To S and to A. For in A, I was trying to find S, so I had to end it.
We broke up.

Frankly confessing, I had a thing for him. I kinda still do. Not knowing, what is and what is not right! But, my heart tells me that, somehow I should wait for him. For he is someone I am really looking for.
The fact that I cared about the similarities S and A shared. I don't know. It seems right.
The fact that as two different individuals aswell I can love them, doesn't hamper my peace anymore. (Which I should've figured out a little earlier, this April it would turn out to be a year since I broke up with A).

Now, I have corrected it. Being messed up, that's kinda me.. Now, the difference is, I've forgiven myself. And it seems right.


  1. Do you ever talk to A anymore? Has your heart moved past S? Or will it ever? This was really interesting. I'm glad you've forgiven yourself. We always talk of forgiving others but we rarely talk of forgiving ourselves.

    1. No. apparently, A and I have been living in places where we make sure the other doesn't hover about. Like distinct and separate worlds.
      Past S or not, still remains a query in my head. But, I have started to see what S would've wanted me to do, had I died. That answers a lot of my queries.

      Yea. Realizing the you need to forgive yourself too, doesn't come handy. It took me quite a while to figure it out.

  2. Everything happens for good. Time heals almost everything. :) You will soon have your solution.
    Take care. :)

  3. Sometimes we do not know what we want or where we are destined to go, and perhaps that's what makes life exciting and challenging !!!

  4. It is human to look for the lost things in the past in the present ones. It is good that you've forgiven yourself for it. You'll find peace. I'm sure S would have wanted you to fall in love again,be happy and cherish his memories as things that made you happy, a reason for you to look for new happiness.
    Take Care
    Dreams n Drama

  5. Good going! Mistakes are inevitable. To accept,learn and move on is the best thing to do.
    Have a good day! :)

  6. Life is an ultimate jig-saw, dont ever try to solve it all by yourself, things will fall into places by themselves,
    It keeps getting better with each passing day...
    Take Care :)

  7. It is.Love ain't nobody's fault.
    You take care girl.:)

  8. There's something very brave about the matter-of-fact way you've written this, with no self-deprecation. Good for you! :)

  9. We are all messed up, but not everyone gets to forgive themselves and move one. You did it, thats one step further.
    Take care! :)

  10. Knowing yourself is the only way of living really, that way you can always understand why things happen, or at least more easily.

    / Avy

  11. once in love forever in matter what
    we say about moving on, forgetting, getting along with someone else and so on...i guess the first love remains part of being... well, maybe it varies from person to person :P

    1. Yes. First love remains the first love.
      Eventually, we just learn to love more people, without changing the feelings for the first love.

  12. Everything will be alright soon...

  13. The most important thing is to find peace...and peace ma come in any form
    one just needs to recognize it and accept it

    Stay Blessed ^_^

  14. just 2? u had two and you got confused. i have had a million. and yet each and very one of them, i would want again :D

    1. The difference is, you'd treat'em all differently. Like each deserves a separate space in your heart.
      I look at that one person, and try and fit everyone I look at, onto him. The fact that no one exactly is that person anymore, makes me consider every other person not-right for me.


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