Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Personifying you.

It seems like I've found you.
Not in person though, but you're everything I've ever wanted you to be.

In the first place, you're tall, of course 6 feet plus. That's where my first thought resides.
Then you're strong; with larger palm, large enough to hold mine within.
Then you're the funny one, 'cause I've got too much of my seriousness already, you know how to make up for it.
You have a laughter worth counting one, the one in which I can bury myself and not care what the world knows.
You're the mushy practical one. I'm the dreamer, you put my dreams to reality.
You are different, like you don't care what they think.
All you do is blush around me, letting my friends know you have it all for me.
You find ways to fit in my life. I'm the shy one, won't make a move to come around you, even when I'm secretly always thinking of you. You're the one with the moves, always finding the right reasons to fit in.

You have all that I needed ever. The answers. You could buy my world with that. Your imagination is enticing. You are the one I asked to be a writer. I am in love with your thoughts. You are real. My dreams are unrealistic, you bring them to life.

I'd like to hold onto this feeling. It's liberating.
Often I find a safer place in my imagination but now it feels like things are about to change.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Pushing beyond the marked lines.

If self respect was a bag of things, I'd see myself as someone losing it most often.

I thought we could give it to those who would take care of it. 
I always chose the worst ones to give in to. Now, I don't have much love for myself left.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Social Disconnection and the Art of Living in Denial.

I don't like the kind of person I've become or am becoming.
So separated, so selective, so secluded at times that it scares me to look at myself and see a sense of weird insenstivity, inability to be a shoulder to cry on, incapability to ever cry (It's been years since tears welled in my eyes), like I'm a stone hearted cold person ( A friend called me insensitive a few months back when I responded to a crying person by making her cry even more).

I've closed myself down to feelings.
The guy who almost asked me out felt left out probably, after I changed the topic of discussion in ways that didn't pull the conversation to the same topic.
Someone passed away recently, and I didn't, to tell you the truth CAN'T shed a tear.
My defence mechanism is way stronger than it used to be, I've convinced myself of solutions to the worst of realities, but it's leading me to doom-hood, where I don't see myself as a human anymore, just a mere plastic existence. No feelings. Immortal faith.

I used to think that such strong faith is the answer I had been looking for. The phase after S passed away pulled me into years of depression, that was filled with lonliness and endless battles within the head.
Then to change that I read things that convinced me, I know I am not the one with blind faith, but re incarnation theories appealed to my understandings in ways beyond repair. I don't judge. Don't criticize. Can't see flaws. Love unconditionally. Don't expect.
But it doesn't seem like the answer, it feels like I want to go back now. To being stupid, witty, and irrational.
Because, the kind of a person I am now is not the one that can be happy in these surroundings, here you're expected to be happy AND sad at times, to be a winner AND loser at times. To be able to cherish AND criticize at times.

Maybe its a kind of Social Rejection that is making me feel unhealthy about myself, or the fact that the judgmental nature where people have political opinions and I don't makes me feel out of place.

The many battles I was fighting inside are settled, but now there are new ones. Like Always.

 In today's social psychology lecture we discussed our preferences of the partners, now I know why I chose the complementary nature as opposed to similarity.

What would you choose? Would you want your partner to be complementary to who you are? Or similar?