Sunday, 31 March 2013

A year.

1 Year Ago.
I am letting go of you.
Of your present. Of our past. Of everything we shared together, to find a new reality for me.


Today.
I let go of you back then, from me. 
But within me, you still lived. 
I kept reverting back and forth everytime. Treading in times of past again and again. Your dreams haunted me.
This time, I really want to set myself free. From everything. From you. From you in me.

Here's a final goodbye.
I want it to last.
For good.
I hope there's peace for you in this world too. And beyond.


Thursday, 21 March 2013

Magically.

As I told him on the phone I'll be just fine and gave the best possible explanation to how and why (totally fake and not meaning a word of it) I knew it was time to kill sometime within the pillows in my room hiding away the things that hadn't found a way out in a long time. I kept telling him that this is not the end and that happiness was a choice, not option (In my heart, I kept thinking about ways to kill myself as nothing but a feeling like this was the end kept perching within me). He said you know what you mean to me, and I was willing to sacrifice everything, yet it didn't seem like it was going to work. I said that it was noone's fault, and I wasn't blaming anyone (Inside, I was blaming myself for everything, like everything I choose and everything I start believing in, comes breaking apart, so the problem lies in choices).
With that, I kept the phone down, silently crossed the hall without a murmur out of my mind, taking a bite from Pa's plate while he was eating.
As I entered my room, I shut the windows, with all the peace that I could possibly gather, shut the exit knob of the door sealing every possible exit. I curtained the windows and the doors, shut the light. Collapsing on the bed I cried like never before.
It felt like nothing meant anything to me now. Like everything kept defeating me telling me that everything was going to end. Like I wasn't meant to be alive.
I bluntly started searching for the blade I had hidden beneath the mattresses, something I hadn't seen in long. Somehow, giving myself more pain hides away the pain in my head, so I cut my hands as brutally as I can in such times.
With that I took the last resort, stuffing myself with sleeping pills, probably 4, strong enough to make me fall asleep and lesser than the amount sufficed to kill me, and started humming myself to sleep.

In a few minutes, I heard someone knocking on the door of my room. Strangely, it was him. He said he really wanted to talk to me. I was blurred between reality and dreaming. Somehow, dragging myself towards the door, he held me and kissed my forehead.
I noticed he was all dressed in formals, like this was some occassion. I washed my face before thinking of where this was all going.
I saw he was here with his parents. His parents were talking to mine.
They were discussing some celebration.
I wasn't in the state of mind to understand or interpret, I just composed myself in the hall, looking at Stevie (our dog) who kept wagging his tail towards him and lapping me with his saliva.
He asked me to stand up, kissing my cheek he said 'Now that the largest formality of making our parents agree to this has been sought, S**** T**** , will you marry me? bending on his one knee and taking out a ring from within his right hand.
I was seconds away from fainting and floating, like I was the happiest person alive, soo happy that the state of mind can't find a way out.

And then I checked the clock, it was 6.00 in the evening. The dream had ended, I kept staring out of the window.


P.S.
This was one of the dreams I don't think I am ever going to forget. Minutes after I am up, I make this entry, to keep it forever alive.
Sometimes, I believe this is going to happen. Atleast, I love to believe in it.

P.P.S.
Blogger family is giving me the best welcome back feeling. I feel the connection between us. It keeps giving me good reasons to always be here. Always. :)

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Reverting Back.

I knew something was wrong.
You left.
And you were never to be found.



P.S.
A few moments of happiness and then I'm haunted again. By your thoughts. Your dreams. Your love. Your aspirations. Your words. Your presence. 
I don't seem to accept Death as an answer. 
I need more. More than just an unanswered answer at least.

P.P.S.
I'm back from the long slumber. This place keeps me alive. This is one proof of my existence, and every time I look at it, it gives me a feeling that there's more to life than just being alive.