Tuesday, 30 December 2014

lets be happy.

Enough said and done.

Here's a goodbye to all that pulls me down.

This new year shall begin with a better world.


Friday, 26 December 2014

Christmas.

She lied in a deep sleep.

I don't miss you all the time. I miss you when I feel your presence.
The church could be decorated with your smell, like it used to be.
The cars could linger within your presence, like they used to.
You're never gone to me, so there's no missing you.

This 12th January shall mark the beginning of the fifth year without you.

I am forgetting your face...
but it's not that that made me and you.


Friday, 12 December 2014

He'll wait for me.

I said this was a goodbye, a final one.

He : If letting me go has made you stronger, I believe my chapter in your life is over. And now that its over, I'd like some closure. Here it is. I am going to miss you, but the thought of you is always going to make me smile. Always. Now that's a forever. To think that there is something that can make you smile no matter what is a tempting thought. I would have chosen you anytime, but thank you for this too.
I am sorry for barging in like this, but this is who I chose to be. And around you, I choose to be me. To tell you that you are stupid to let me go but to accept it nevertheless. I like you for you. And when I say you, it means everything about you.
Last, I would like to say this: there are some things in life you can't be sure of. You think you know, and that makes you happy, but you don't. You realize later though. And its an even more happy realization.
You realize that you don't have to run from uncertainty, from darkness. You embrace it and it frees you. I hope someday, you are just as free as I am right now, if though for a little while.
And I also hope that someday we meet. You allow me to look you in the eye and I allow you to look me in mine. Maybe, it'll never happen. But I would dare God to tell me you aren't mine, because in the end, even you know and so do I, that someday you will be mine.
You will be everything you work so hard to be and at the end of it you would still be the same you.
I wish you all the very best. Every second of happiness and I pray that if you ever need anything you will know which side to sway.


Goodbye.




Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Freedom.

I sat down one day, told myself that this point, right here, is a full stop.

Whatever is here, is going to keep coming and going.

I am a child of change, things will get worse and then better, this is it.

So, I am going to chase me down, turn things around, till I find what I seek.

I shall live in my dreams. Be who I have always wanted to be, a happier version of me.

And here I am, months later, much happier, been through the worst (who knows, going through the scariest) yet with a smile on my face.

The directions have changed.

I am free. 

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Unjust world.



Ana was born to Leslie. 
Leslie was married to Adam.
Adam had a sister, who was mentally disabled, Kyra.
Adam's mother, got Kyra married to a doctor.
Kyra gave birth to Seth, who  was mentally impaired too.
Leslie lived with Adam's extended family.
On one had she had the two mentally disabled living within the same hood.
On the other, Adam's parents put her through hell.
She lived there anyway, caring for the two daughters she gave birth to.
She was diagnosed with cancer, detected first in stomach then in lymph nodes.

She's 49 today. Still lives with the 53 year old mentally disabled Kyra, and her 26 year old son, along with Adam who now is under the highest dosage of insulin, and is awaiting two cataract operations till he gets his blood pressure normalised. She herself made a narrow escape from Bone marrow transplant (the last possible resort) in 2009. The two mentally disabled have severe schizophrenia which makes them often violent. 
One of her daughter is now in college, and the next one goes to college next year. 


I still wonder who's fault all of this is, and why should she have to bear the burden.



 

Friday, 14 November 2014

Learning how to lose.

I guess this is where it begins, the journey.

Every time I lose I give myself a headsup. Lesser battles left.

This time when the count ran three on the same line,

I took a bow.

I had played my part.


P.S.
Bob Dylan said, build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung.
May you stay forever young.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Bleeding moonlight.

Kabir once narrated a sanskrit poem. This is what it stated-

kasturi kundali basai, mrig dhundhe ban mahi;
            aise ghati ghati ram hi, duniya dekhai nahi.

It meant, that a deer keeps looking for a fragrance in the forest. Searching everywhere, and yet not able to locate it. 
The fragrance comes from himself, his naval.

I have come to this point, where I see, that I was looking for myself.



Monday, 27 October 2014

Faith.

Every time you come out of one, the next pit is deeper, bigger.

But, every time you're out of one, also, you're much stronger.

They've always maintained this ratio to ensure that you learn at a better pace.

Good luck.


Monday, 13 October 2014

Blemishes.

Closed eye she lied on the grass, in the mountains.
The wind blew by, and the shrubs danced to the wind.
The clutter of the birds on the trees shattered the silence away.
The specks of sunlight cracked open the darkness.

The heartbeat of the mountain seeped within her heart,
and let open all the closed doors.
She smiled at the rush of blood across her veins.

Goosebumps across her skin made her feel alive again.
She rested with her pillow on the palms of Him.
He had kept his promise of bringing her within his safe confines.

Here she was, closed eye, yet seeing the world with eyes wide open.
She thanked him for every portion of it,
every sip of love,
every drop of pain,
every crease of terror,
every shade of peace.
 Every inch of something, was now worth everything.
Here he was, having taught her what she needed,
laying her in his palms, giving her the one thing she always craved for, Himself.


P.S.
I don't like to call him God, I know he knows. 

Friday, 26 September 2014

The long walk.

She closed her eye when it happened once.

Yet again, it didn't seem so painful.

She ingested one more of those, and like drifting along, it felt like just another step to a long walk.

She kept taking them, till they started slowing her down.

For once, she felt free, from all the guilt, regrets, and incomplete stories.

She was setting off for a new world. where these wouldn't haunt her anymore.

P.S.
I wish I was dreaming.
It feels like lying. One lie follows the other. There's a pattern, it gets worse inside everytime.
But what about the scars of the truth? 


Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Stardust.


And then she took the person out of her, and placed it beside herself.

And gazing at the stars, she set herself free.

The night dimmed, and the stars sprinkled star dust.

She was now to treat herself right.


Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Brokenness.

There are those times in your life when you give up on everything.
Every inch of faith, every dime of self love is lost.


And then, you're nothing but a machine, duty bound.
Surviving 'cause not surviving isn't a solution either.


That's when you don't want to hear, or listen, or speak.
Just be.


This is that point.
Being.

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Bent not broken.

Yet again, you're leaving. 
Mommy isn't very well today. 

I know. But I don't think I can stay.
We're to leave at times, they call it work, mumma calls it duty, I call it balance.

Like pa said, you should reassess. 
There's only some time we have left together.

We're all bound by things that don't exist.
I want to believe we're infinite, and that there are infinite togethernesses left.

I hope you know its growing.
She's weak, much weaker than before.

I'll be home every weekend.
I want to know she gets better each day.


P.S.
Hope is my drug of choice.


Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Abandoning me.

As we treaded across the lands of the world maker,  he asked to sit and listen for a while.
The next step is to abandon yourself.
I gazed at the sunless sky, wondering what it could mean.
That's when the one I could trust told the story of the boy who gave up the use of pronouns - I, me, my!
Be selfless my heart whispered.

Friday, 27 June 2014

Heartbound.

So, she traveled places. 

Met people.

Turned her dreams to reality.

Met her soul mate, found solace.

Made the palace she dreamt of.

Thought she was happy with all of these. 

But as she stood by the shore and counted the pieces of stars she collected from all these milestones, she realised a part was still missing.

Her worst fear was now a reality, she had left her heart behind at the very place where this journey began.


How could she ever leave, without making sure her heart was at peace?




P.S.
Hours before her 21st birthday, she finally figured what she wanted to wish for.

P.P.S.
So far and ahead, I thank you for your words and thoughts on my writing. It means a lot.
x x

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Red Threads.

17 minutes past your birthday.
I am still searching for something to happen.

I don't know if we ever let go 'cause we run out of love for that person.
Its just the compatibility that runs out I guess.
We never ever stop loving someone.

But when they leave, the mark is still present.
No matter how long ago it happened.

Its not just to the love stories of a boy and a girl that it happens to.
Its even with the other people we meet, also the pets.

The world is beautiful enough to bind us in those red threads which though may extend as far as it can, and we might even try to cut it off by muting those relationships, but, the thread never breaks.
We carry it with us to the grave.

And hence each of us is bound in those threads. Some muted, some painted, some multilayered.

Thank god it happened.
No, I'm not sorry for what went wrong.
Sometimes, things aren't under our control.
But that's OK, hopefully everything happens for the best.

I'm glad it happened and reached the right end.
I wish you all the happiness ahead (Yea, even now, that's the only thing that counts, I hope you've figured that out for yourself too).





Thursday, 12 June 2014

On returning.


So I came back.

Thinking what I felt in my heart for them, the strain of distance, was enough to let go of the separation.

Thinking that for once, I could expect their love for wanting me back.

Their monotony didn't let me down, I was yet the same outsider, separated by blood.

They never loved me. Even if they did, it wasn't even close to what I felt in my heart.

I was a mere pawn to their dart, whose presence or absence made as much difference.

To them I was nobody, when in knowing the world, I had given to them, most of my heart.

For once, it was all in vain. Worthless. I wasn't counting the worth, but whatever I was thinking was crumbing down today.

But she was the only one who understood. Even though we were never connected by blood, she acknowledged that some relations are beyond those by blood. She's the only one, my sister.

And then, I felt at home.




Thursday, 1 May 2014

The oath of silence.



And those angels decided to bring a lot of happiness to those sad faces.

Yet, there was a condition- those angels won't get to speak, nor would they get the forms those people needed, yet they would get space of existence.

Those angels came and we could never realise they were always right beside us. 

As dogs, dolphins, cats, lions, tigers, elephants, ants, spiders. 

'animals' though that was an apt term for us, and instead of valuing and loving them, we used them.

So, the world cursed us, and rendered us to be who we are, always unsatisfied. 

In a flicker, everything will just disappear and the rest will be history.




-S.T.
As written on 02.07.2009.

Monday, 14 April 2014

Mended feelings and broken vows.

Is she around you? 
She is. She's been here. But we've been far too distant to know each other, living in separate worlds.
She searched for me. Last night when I heard from her, it broke me down.

She came back for you?
She wasn't supposed to. I don't think I could take it. I asked her to come, but right then I left, making sure I didn't have to face her.
She's his reflection. Sisters often are. Similar worlds, similar smiles, similar selves.

I hope you know it wasn't her fault?
I've told myself none of it was. However what I know is different.

Do you blame her? 
I loved her like she is my sister. Still do. Secretly made sure nothing bothered her. I want to be around, making sure that she doesn't know it, ever.

Why?
The thread that connected us is broken, beyond repair. He's dead. I don't know how to still know her and not know it happened.



Friday, 28 March 2014

The love of wrath.

"...maybe we have to break everything, to make something better of ourselves."

So, why is it that you don't stop? 
I love to not stop. To keep dreaming, to work harder, in fact hardest, not just mentally, but also physically, till I'm full of pain and scratches, till I've done justice to my definition of Everything.

I used to tell myself that the truth behind it is to run away, from those thoughts that make me want to kill myself, but this version is not as apt as the real one. 

The real one? 
Yes, the real one is happiness. Work makes me happy, I'm choosy of course, but I've known myself enough to now pick up the right set of things. I make others happy, this makes me happy. 

Then why run away from some? ignore some? avoid some?
Choices. This path of happiness is very difficult to maintain. I have to choose the right ones that live along the same lines. This comes with a price. I think I pay for it. 

Still caught up in the infinite hatred for yourself? 
I have changed. Way too much. I love myself now. Took me a while to realize this though, but apart from you, I love me as much and a few more lovely people. 

P.S. 
Sometimes, we're a part of such a transition, that looking behind isn't an option anymore. I think I have all of you, to thank, for that. Thank you.


Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Fear.

The little girl knew nothing of what fear ever was.
It watched her grow hiding in the corners behind those unlocked doors, while she played with her toys in the house.
It stood in the rain, watching as she danced in the rain in the porch with her mother.
It peeped in the nights, when she slept between her mother and father.
It stared on her face as she lied on the bed with closed eyes.
It sat in the car's rear seat, as she drove away thinking of being free.


As she walked beneath the moonlight in the pavement between the steep and the lake, he watched her pass across it on the way, and as she took two steps ahead, he grabbed her from behind, made her fall and ran away, reminding her that it was back.
Fear. Darker, stronger, and larger.
Fear of men. Of their presence.
Strange, it was about to engulf her.
All she could do was let it consume herself, as she wrote this down to be read by you.


P.S.
Strangely, I've been scared of men. Always. In different ways.
This made it very real for me to accept what had always existed.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Comfortable within my skin.

Teaching yourself to be fearless, to be infinite, to look beyond, not care about smallest of things, to love oneself sets one free of all that's not needed.
Letting go comes with time, to tell yourself to let go, takes something.
From living within all the discomfort, hatred, to today, where I love who I am, happiness is all I've gained.

Traveling gets you there.
Mother once narrated a story to me.
A proud king used to think that all in his kingdom were dependent, for what they were on him.
Out of his 7 daughters, the youngest disagreed and accepted that she was dependent upon herself for who she was.
This came to him as a dishonor, disowning the daughter he got her married to the most helpless man in his kingdom, one infected with leprosy, living beside a tree.
She accepted the same, took care of the husband. One day, to fetch him some drinking water, she took a vessel to the nearby pond. There she saw a crow diving in the water and coming out as a swan. She took the water in the vessel to her husband, he drank it and changed into a prince. He told her that he was the prince of the biggest kingdom in the world and had been cursed with the worst, however for making him recovered, he now owed his life to her. She was taken as the new queen and loved beyond measure. 
Her husband's kingdom started annexing nearby regions, and subsequently one of the kings of the annexed kingdom was brought to seek pardon in front of her husband.
It turned out that the king was her father. 
He accepted that all through, she was dependent on herself. 


Independence is a state of mind, she told me.
I owe who I am, to my mother and myself.


Thank you for contributing to who I am today. 

Friday, 24 January 2014

To S.


So they dug up your grave 
to find the hole in your soul, 
and cried a cry of grief
'cause they couldn't find relief.
They scratched you open
& you lay on the ground,
with a body so incomplete
something that could never define you.




P.S.
I wouldn't call this grieving. This 20th Jan marked 4 years with him not being around.
Sometimes celebrating what's left of it defines happiness too.
I'm glad. 

Friday, 17 January 2014

Tyrannical Voilence.

The scorpion's story told me that the scorpion job was to always bite no matter how generous the man against it stood.
So even when the man helped the scorpion escape its death, the scorpion bit the man.

The scariest part about madness is it being like the scorpion's story.
No matter what you do, it kills the very tree that shelters it.

Sometimes when tyranny prevails and violence marks its presence, its very difficult to decipher what is sought.


Thursday, 16 January 2014

To Dying.

As I sit beside my mentally challenged aunt who grieves for my dead grandmother, in the back of my mind I know this was for the best. We all ultimately do the best of what we can, to the best of our abilities.
People die. That's inevitable. We're all to die someday.
The only thing we should really care about is making sure that our hearts are satisfied, leaving none of the wishes unfulfilled.

All of life is an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.