Sunday, 4 December 2016

Being someone.


When we least expect things to happen, they happen.

And then who are we, the same person who we used to be? 

Every cell I was born with is probably dead by now, I am made of things that keep dying, and new ones replace them; and then there are those things inside me, which always had a brain of their own. 

Then I see him and my heartbeat is not mine anymore. 


"but in our story,
who is the monster at the end of the book?
oh my love, the monster is time."
-AJ
Courtesy: Free
Photograph: Anna



Monday, 7 November 2016

Are we there yet?


Sometimes, I can't see what I'm looking for.

Is it the life of a traveler, with dreams of becoming someone.

Is it the life of a dreamer, with plans of a creator.

Is it the life of a liar, with the face of a happy girl.

Is it the life of a baker, with the smile of a musician.

Who am I anyway?

Do I even seek something, or isn't life just a drag where you keep pulling yourself through times when you'd rather not live anymore.

Why am I even doing this.

Brooklyn's too cold tonight, and all my friends are three years away.
My mother said I could be anything I wanted, but I chose to live.
-Ocean Vuong, 'Thanksgiving 2006', from Night sky with exit wounds

Picture Credits- Katharina Sophia

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Listen to me.

'cause you'll need my permission before you step outside.

you'll need it when you dance. maybe you shouldn't dance.

nor those clothes. they're inappropriate. you shouldn't look good enough, or you'll attract unwanted attention.

you'll need my permission, cause you shouldn't have food with the ones I don't consider appropriate.

you should never meet the boys. They're not from where we are, they'll not be the way to you, the way we approve of.

That girl shouldn't be your friend either, we don't approve of her.

I'm just trying to protect you from the harsh world you know. you should listen to me. 


can you stay here with me? I won't tell a soul.
-Charlie Puth



Saturday, 17 September 2016

Begin Again.

Close your eyes and begin again.

Take yourself back to where it all started from.

Clean the spaces in your head and make space for space.

This time we'll build the castle brick by brick.

Choosing each brick with the needs in time of time.

Painting the colors of joy with joy.

Like each layer is a new day, every day.

And in the journey, I'll be home in home.

Together, creating a better world of the world.

'cause a better tomorrow awaits within tomorrow.

and dreams do come true, when you're dreaming out loud.

'cause all that I am is a dreamer.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Away.


How far is away anyway.

Is it far across in the head or miles across the sea?

Is it a lie that you're living, or a tomorrow that you're dreaming?

Is it the same person who woke up this morning, or the one going to sleep tonight?


"It’s so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it’s taking forever to come. Then it happens and it’s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed."
_Lauren Oliver, Delirium #1
Picture courtesy- 
szklanytygrys
Courtesy- Free

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

How to be Happy Manual I.O

You're yours and he's his.

There's no reason good enough to stay or bad enough to leave, they're just reasons. Plain and simple.

If you love him, find the strength to stay. Sometimes, despite the love you'll feel that its time to leave. Go by that instinct, the guiding light, not by the emotional outburst.

Heal yourself. Only you can help yourself. Love yourself, respect you. You deserve every bit of it. You must have the courage to be you. Not the glossier version like the one worn by the girl in polka dots you saw yesterday. Not the tight skirt version of the pretentious you either. The version that's you, just you. Even if it sometimes makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.

Let the emotions flow by. At times this will mean that the PMS is making you cry. You could be sobbing about something morbid in the corner of the washroom, while that mascara drains off and your eyelids are swollen. Or you could be turning your umbrella off, while it starts to rain only to get wet and feel every inch of love flowing through across the sky. Don't let either of those two stay.

Find the silence within you. Let the content version of you prevail over every other version of you. Sometimes, this version might get lost in the fast running metro, with the heap of workload on your head or that unfinished conversation. Remember to find her sitting across the door reading Brida while she thinks of herself travelling across Europe.

You know what, she's leaving in less than a fortnight for finding herself.

Yes, she's going alone.

Dreaming within dreams, that's how it feels right?

If you seek love, you'll find it everywhere. Sometimes, it'll come find you! Remember to never ever stop dreaming! I've got your back. 
You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame. How could you become new if you haven’t first become ashes?
—Friedrich Nietzsche

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Fight it out.



Most relevant battles aren't fought outside, they're fought inside, sometimes with the closest ones.

They're not always about world peace, or international issues, they're about little things like dominance and where to draw the line.

The important conclusion is not that you should win, the important conclusion is that you should do the right thing.

DO NOT let anyone tell you what to do, at the end of it, do what you think is right.

DO NOT let their fear guide your instincts. Let your instincts speak.

DO NOT let anyone cross the line. The line between them and your sense of peace.
If you think that line is being crossed, give them hints, if they're good enough to respect your space, they'll trace their steps back. If they don't, MAKE THEM.

NO ONE has the right to harm you.

YOU DON'T have the right to harm yourself. NOR DO THEY.

NO REASON is good enough, NOR shall anything ever be.

Remember to save yourself. Fight it out if that's what it takes.

You are stronger than your idea of yourself.

"One day took a world away."
_Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides 
                               

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Places you should never go back to.


Some places look like home, but they aren't home. They could bear all the fanciness that comes with it, but those could be like silhouettes. It is the forbearance of lies.

It's not that it's all bad, it's just not for you. In living, it is important to remember your worth and not let others devaluate you. However, they will do everything possible to break you. It's their easier virtue, to find their sense of peace in blaming others.

You have to remember to remind yourself that it's not your fault.

I think that's the most difficult part, to remember that you're okay and that it's all okay, you are allowed to make mistakes and that it only makes you human.

You don't have to be scared, there is nothing worth being scared of. Even when life is pacing slow, it's alright, you are playing your role. You are doing the job merely by existing.

If no one told this to you already, let me say it out loud, thank you for existing. Thank you for being so marvelously beautiful and absolutely incredible in being yourself. In being the real version of you, you have given to this world more than it could have ever asked for.

Thank you for the love and patience. Thank you for remembering not to pluck the flowers while they were blooming, thank you for taking care of everyone, thank you for remembering not to hurt them even when they did everything possible to hurt every piece of you.

Thank you for making every morning a memoir of forgiveness and for waking up with more love.

Thank you for being so incredibly beautiful to find joy in everything no matter what pulled you down.

Thank you for being the ray of shining light in people's lives and always uplifting them to find better versions of themselves.

Most importantly, thank you for being a manifestation of love in this world.

Everyone deserves to be just as beautiful as you are, but they don't seek the truth.

Thank you for seeking the truth.

No matter where you will be, the world will honor your existence.

Thank you for being you.

'cause what you seek, lies within.
It's time to look inside. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

birthday blues.


Sometimes I feel I should’ve been there, at the right time, to prevent that accident. Anything random could've saved him. A moment's lapse, and he could've been here, alive. Breathing.

Sometimes I wish I had gone back to his house, met his mother and sister. I wish I could muster up the courage.

Sometimes I wish I had chosen lesser complications in life, like not leaving.

Sometimes I wonder if I could save my brother. 

Sometimes I wonder I could save her from the misery of Cancer.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t who I was in those last moments with my Grandpa, and instead of asking him to leave, I wish I had told him how much I loved him.

Sometimes, some days remind me of things left undone, untold sorrys and the dreaded hollowness.

But, does it not, make me only human? 

Memories are an escape into worlds that don't exist anymore. 

Friday, 24 June 2016

'cause I'm drunk on love tonight!


As you enter the room, making louder noises than everyone I shut myself out in the corner and think about you.

You're the loud kind, the kind that's the eye candy for everyone, getting all the attention.

I'm the hide-in-the-corner kind, silently thinking about things we do and say.

You and I are worlds apart in who we are, or are we?

Together, we silence our demons, screaming in our heads.

The voices keep reminding me, of the weird crush I've had on you for these last years.

With months until I leave, I'm always wondering about things we could do, or the people we could be.

But we're who we are. Maybe you're the quiet kind with the feelings. Maybe not.

Maybe there's nothing at all. Maybe it's all in vain. Maybe not.

Maybe, this is just a beginning. Maybe we've been waiting for each other, all our lives. Maybe not.

  Could we be dreaming the same dream? 

Monday, 23 May 2016

The black and white world.


'cause certain shades of blue could only be seen by a few.
some wrote down their memories, some hid them in their tears.
sometimes it flowed with the music, sometimes it imprinted itself in coffee mugs.
sometimes it could be captured, but mostly in the wind it flew.

there were ways to hide it, ways to confide in it,
no matter how loud the noises were, she could silence them in her head.
or were they deaf?
no matter how loud it went, they could only hear the parts they wanted to know.

they were only listening to the world outside, smile
at who she had become.
only to know that the smile
bore a zillion scars underneath.

Courtesy- Bhumika B. Photography
P.S.
After a point, you stop hoping to expect that they'll ever understand. Didn't Conrad tell you already that they all live in their own hell, only to know what they wish to know?

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Dream me a paradise.


Growing up, in the last 7 years has been a dichotomy.

There's a part that lived in a single room in hostels across this country, alone. Surviving and persisting.

There's the other part that found home in the strangest of places, mostly people.

This part traveled, and saw that they're all alone.

Kept it's head on the shoulders of people who could've otherwise never been known.

Danced in bonfires, in the mountains while they silently fell in love.

Smoked in strangest corners with better conversations than those across the table.

Painted those walls of new homes in each of those places, with colors of memories.

Each painting turned out to be a memoir of times left behind.

Behind? That backpack has it all, those places will always smell of those memories.

Music became teleportation, to times of love, loss and happiness.

That cup of coffee, not breaking itself across the years smells of spilled love.

Could I have done it any other way round? I don't think so.

There's more love than I could've ever thought.

I'm taking it all.

Across the times to come, when maybe it'll seem like its not enough.

I doubt if what'll seem will be true.

There's more of it than anything else.

This is more than just a thankyou, for the memories.

thank you, Bhumika B. Photography


Friday, 1 April 2016

Who could I be?


The purpose of my life has been to free people from concern. I did something that made people present their best selves to me, wherever I go.

How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide? That's all you've got to figure out.

The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency that there is, because ultimately we're not the avatars we create, we're not the pictures on the film stock, we are the light that shines through. All the rest is just smoke and mirrors, distracting, but not truly compelling. That piece that we're after lies somewhere beyond personality, beyond the perception of others, beyond deception and disguise, even beyond effort itself.
You can join the game, fight the war, play with forms all you want,but to find real peace you have to let the armor go.

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in the world. Don't let anything stand between the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all your glory.

I wish people could realize all their dreams in wealth and fame so that they could see that it's not where you can find yours sense of completion. Like many of you, I was concerned about going out into the world and doing something bigger than myself, until something smarter than myself made me realize that there was nothing bigger than myself.

Our eyes are not viewers, they're also projectors that are running a second story over the picture of what we see in front of us all the time. Fear is writing the script and the title is I'll never be enough. I'm just making a conscious choice of seeing challenges as opportunities so that I can deal with them in the most productive way. You'll come up with your own style, that's part of the fun.

Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you and you'll only have two choices love or fear. Choose love and don't ever let fear turn you against your heart. All that would be left of you,  would be what was in your heart.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body, my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

You can fail, but when you can, you might as well take a chance at doing something you love.

Relax and dream up a good life.

You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what's happening here in the decisions we make in this moment which are based on either love or fear.

So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality, when what we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, and so we never dare to ask the universe for it.

I'm saying, I'm the proof that you can ask the universe for it.

-Jim Carrey, Graduation speech at M.U.M. University. 



Who am I anyway?
picture credits - Bhumika B. Photography



Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Loneliness.



Take a person out of dungeons. 

Show her the flowers, the sun and the moon.

Show her an existence in search of a better version of truth.

Show her that you could be anything, anything in this messed up world!

And when she's something worth herself, leave. 

Blame time, 'cause that's a better excuse.

I hope you realize that leaving in first place, had made it the dungeon. 

But who cares. 

You could fall in hatred too, like in love.
But the worst part is, you could not hate anything as much as you could hate yourself.
Welcome to a world that has no exit gates.

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

From within the betweens.


 I must've said this in the previous posts too.

The world is divided by two voids. They're both self sufficient. 

When you're in one, you can't believe that the other one exists. 

They both compliment each other's existence and at the same time are the exact opposites. 


She could be very excited somedays, when she'd be happy beyond measure. There wouldn't exist a thing that could let her spirit down.

Then there were those days, which were absolute darkness, succumbing to herself would seem impossible. 

Both the voids could engulf her and she'd surrender. 

Until she realized that the transition is about control. 

Now, she could fix herself. 

Blue skies from Pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?


P.S.
We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl year after year. 
Running over the same old ground, what have we found?
The same old fears? 
Wish you were here.
-Pink Floyd (Wish you were here) 

Sunday, 21 February 2016

Resurrection.




If only it could be anywhere else. 
All of it was within.

The deal is to never give up.
Never.



Saturday, 30 January 2016

Don't.


Sometimes I see the world as a deception. A complete lie.

They tell you M's fine, when it's growing inside her, the cancer. The world is lying.

C smiles. Changes the floor of her house. Then leaves that house. To herself, she's lying.

C finds another house. Finds new people. Then in the crowds, she feels alone. To the new people she's lying.

A smiles and prays for her, tells her she's beautiful. He loses his faith in himself, his life and buries everything inside with a smile on that face. He's lying.


S's been dead for six years now. Six years.
Looking at his sister breaks me into pieces.
Every time I lose more than I can fix.
&
The cancer is back inside M.

This is probably why I never wanted to live. Every day is about defending why not-to-die.


Don't try to wake me up in the morning, 'cause I'll be gone.
Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go.
-Anonymous




Thursday, 21 January 2016

Be brave.


She closed the windows of the house, grabbing the keys drove off.

On the way listening amidst the blaring radio, she heard something tell her that she wasn't in love. She agreed and thought it to be deception, the one that has somethings to offer.

When she met him, and looked him in the eye, she saw in those eyes something she longed for.

With a thumping heart, she held his hands.

When he kissed her, she took all the lies from within her, to the outside.

They surrounded her, screamed at her.

This time, she didn't pay them off with more lies.

 This time, she fought with the truth.

The lies packed their bags and left.

She was left with herself, him and the truth.

She fell in love, yet again.

This time with herself too.

"I’m tired, tired of being enclosed here. I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it."
-Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights 

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

No more silence.


To A,

Sometimes I wish we never met.

We never took things beyond those conversations.

We never left for your place that night.

Sometimes, I wish we remained the strangers we were to each other.

And on random days, had coffee together (or maybe, not).

We'd sit together, write our hearts out in our worlds, and then shared our stories, knowing the few who understood it, included you.

I sometimes wish we never broke each other.

But then, there are 12th Januaries in my life, and solitude in yours.

In being together, we just kept getting better at being strangers.

I wish we could go back to those new year celebrations not knowing who we were, just two strangers, sitting by themselves and their broken worlds and re-did this time together.

This time, we kept each other at bay.

Talked about it, about things.

Maybe, I could find the strength to stay, maybe you could find the love to make me stay.

Maybe not.

"Every day someone fell in love with the wrong person and had to pack up all their fragile, misguided hopes and unwanted affection, and move on.” 
— Josh Lanyon. Perfect Day